Raptor Hunts Lesbian Vampirs

The title Lesbian Vampire Killers would make any red blooded male hot to trot for some girl on girl vampire action and so it was that I stuck a stake into the heart of this little sucker. Man, that’s some great punnage there.

Is that a cross in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

So Lesbian Vampire Killers is a British movie centring on a curse. Back in the day, a powerful Lesbian Vampire is killed by the Baron of a town with a magical sword he forged but not before she curses all the maidens in the town to become Lesbian Vampires on their 18^th….See how the caps make lesbian and vampire more important. Anyway present times two pals, Jimmy (Mathew Horne) and Fletch (James Corden) plan a trip to cheap ass hiking to cheer Jimmy up after his selfish girlfriend dumps him for the 8^th time. Little do they know when they arrive at the village that there would be a group of hot girls on a research/party trip. Little do they know that they would all be preyed upon by Lesbian Vampires. Jimmy falls for one of the girls, Lotte played by the very cute MyAnna Burning who has this very sexy accent. I think it’s Welsh. I could be wrong, I have not idea. Anyway, girls are turned, vampires are killed and they eventually face off with the grand poobah Lesbian Vampire.

Jimmy and Fletch work well as a buddy team. Jimmy is mostly deadpan while Fletch is the irreverent larrikin of the two. All their lines are shot through with British humour which works quite well. In fact the dialogue across the whole movie is pretty snappy and the actors bring it across with enthusiasm.

The girls, besides Lotte do not last long. They get turned and then offed pretty quick which is sad but don’t fear. All new lesbian vampires appear to take their eye candy place, one of them being a main vampire Eva who is played by a smoking hot Vera Filatova. She does a good job of looking pretty and saying her lines, what else do you want. Jimmys asshole girlfriend Judy played by Lucy Gaskell is a real bitch in this and I can tell you I was overjoyed to see her Lesbian Vampire ass taken care of. Yes she get’s turned as well. One character who didn’t quite fit was the priest Vicar(Paul McGann), maybe it was just me but I couldn’t take him too seriously.

I'm not sure if I'm suppoed to be aroused or scared shitless by Vera Filatova. Nope, aroused wins!

There wasn’t too much blood in this really and that pretty unusual for a vampire film. When one of the Lesbian Vampires died they melted into a kind of white paste….take the “white paste” as what ever you’d like it to be. While not the flashiest FX they were reasonable and believable and the sets were pretty cool too consisting of fog filled forests, graveyards and run down shacks.

The movie really is for those people who don’t want a story that’s too serious and are just looking for a bit of fun to pass the time. Don’t go too deep. Oh there are boobies. Yes that is important.

I give this one a 7/10 for Lesbian Vampire Booby killing action.

Yes even the DVD cover has boobies. Win!