Thursday, July 30, 2009

Raptors Final Wars

This week I managed to catch Godzilla: Final Wars. I like Godzilla and his big rubber suit but I’m by no mean the biggest Geek fan there is. I can’t tell you ever name of ever monster Godzilla has ever fought or what movie they were in but I can tell you this I have seen a handful of Godzilla movies and I can fake it with the best of them.

Yes more heads, more monsta! What FOOLS! I say more monsta!!
Yes more heads, more monsta! What FOOLS! I say more monsta!!

So in Final Wars monsters start attacking cities around the world and the Earth Defence Force (EDF) are overwhelmed with the task of trying to stop them. Suddenly the monsters all disappear due to the Xillien race having arrived and removing them. Of course the Xilliens are bad and this is all a big scam to rule the earth. After being revealed as bad they throw away all pretence of being good aliens and give the earth an ultimatum. Surrender or die…NEVER! That’s what the EDF guys say only more dramatically overacted and in Japanese. Que the release of the monsters again. In desperation the EDF decide to free Godzilla from an icy prison and then monster mayhem ensues.

and so it was that the Xiliens became a boy band...oh and one girl
and so it was that the Xiliens became a boy band...oh and one girl

There are a lot of monsters in this one. Gaigan is the main monster (half cyborg creature) and there is a big battle with him at the end but a lot of the other monsters get barely a 1 or 2 min fight if they were lucky. Also Godzilla doesn’t appear until roughly the last 30 mins of the film and it is 2hrs long. Other monsters that make an appearance are Mothra, King Caesar, Zilla and Rodan to name a few.  The monsters were a mix of practical rubber suits, let’s call this the classic look, and new age CGI. I have to say the CGi just wasn’t up to scratch. Also the America Godzilla makes an appearance and get’s trashed.

Yes a gratuitous Godzilla shot
Yes a gratuitous Godzilla shot

Of course the EDF now has mutants to help save the world but they are nothing on Godzilla. As I hinted at previously, the acting is over the top Japanese action with much dramatic posing. There’s a lot of Wire-Fu action which is always cool but the one thing that I thought was great was the rough take no shit Texan Captain Douglas Fry who spoke actual English while everyone else spoke Japanese. Good stuff. He was probably my favourite cast member. Another note for Australians, Sydney gets trashed which is really what we all want to see isn’t it.

In conclusion, Godzilla wasn’t the best Godzilla movie I have ever seen but for sheer volume of monsters I rate this 6.5 and some guy in a rubber suit.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Getting in with Leslie Vernon

Today I’m going to review a little movie called Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon. I’m not a huge slasher movie fan, while I will watch them occasionally if they seem interesting they don’t usually yank my goat. I see them as to much ho and hum but this one piqued my curiosity. I’d heard some good things about it so I decided to check it out. Well I came away thinking, hey that was pretty good.

Your singing into your beer makes my ears hurt
Your singing into your beer makes my ears hurt
The plot revolves around a small team of documentary film makers who are invited to follow Leslie Vernon who wants to give rise to a new horror legend such as Freddy Krueger and Jason Vorhees. Leslie is played quite well by Nathan Baesel and portrayed with a dual personality. Without the mask he eventually wears he is a likeable character who spouts Jim Carrey quotes and seems to be very disarming but his real motive is to find his heroin, the girl that will survive his slaughter to tell the world about him and the new legend. The film crew headed by Taylor Gentry (Angela Goethals) unwittingly become part of his scheme and as they follow his setup of the perfect “teen massacre” they begin to realise that they may be in to deep with a guy who isn’t just a ineffectual wacko but might be the real thing. A quite amusing casting is Leslies nemesis in the legend, Robert Englund who plays Dr Halloran. I had to laugh.


Let me save you with these two meat hooks!...oh dear...
Let me save you with these two meat hooks!...oh dear...
There are plot holes, I mean really are the documentary filmers  this stupid…well obviously yes  and the ending does seem to just all fall into place a little too neatly but hey I didn’t mind in the end. There are kills and then some nudity…score. I’m a simple man at heart with simple needs.

In the end I enjoyed this movie. I give it a solid 6.5 (7.5 or higher if your a fan of slasher movies)  and a possible rise of a new horror legend…well maybe.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Gutterballs

Purile, pathetic, poorly performed, pointless, ponderous garbage.This movie and everyone involved in it can go fuck themselves for wasting my night.

0/10

Friday, July 17, 2009

Dirty Harry (1971)

Quick one today because I'm sick with the flu. I watched Dirty Harry last night, the original genre reviving classic starring Clint 'I get more bad ass as i get older' Eastwood. I imagine back in 1971 that this was quite the eye opener. Violence, plenty of (really bright red) blood, some nudity (including full frontal though the longest shot is of a dead girl and she's supposedly 14).

The story goes like this, crazy guy is shooting people from rooftops around the city and Dirty Harry has to stop him. Dirty Harry DOES stop him, but he does so in a way that makes all evidence inadmissible. Bollocks says Harry. The killer walks free and Harry sets out to stop him, any way he can.

As mentioned, this movie was a sensation when released and audiences were polarised between those that enjoyed the gritty new cop out to serve justice even if it meant breaking the rules, and those who didn't like the violence or 'facist' way Harry did his job. Remember, this came out when hippies were still interesting and the age of Aquarius was going to do something something. Today it all seems a little quaint when compared to the shows we see on prime time television. The new age did not usher in a world of semi-nudity on our streets, freedom from shaving your under-arms and hordes of namby pamby do-gooders who are more interested in following the rules than punishing the bad guy. Instead we just got more movies like Dirty Harry.

Where was going with this? Oh yeah, Dirty Harry is a 1970s cop film that has aged moderately well but by today's standards doesn't do anything exciting.

5/10 for not boring me completely.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Raptor Goes out the Gate

Today I’m going to be reviewing the classic 80s horror film The Gare. Before I start a warning: There is NO NUDITY in this movie….Now I will wait a little bit while all the people who suddenly yelled, “WTF Dude! No boobies. Screw you and your little Gavor too” and walked away. Done? Good. Let’s begin.

Wooo glowy eyes
Wooo glowy eyes

The Gate revolves around Glen, played by a really young Stephen Dorff, a 12 year old kid living in your average American Suburban family with his sister, parent and dog. When his friend Terrance (Louise Tripp) comes over one day with a Heavy Metal album from a band who was heavily into demonology they accidentally open a gate….INTO HELL!! Yes that’s right INTO HELL! Caps and all. Soon evil things begin to happen and their dreams and nightmares begin to become reality and eventually the demons come through starting with the small minions and then the big daddy demon. So now while the parents are out of town Glen, Terrance and his sister Al need to close the gate and so shutting out the demons from this world.

This really is a fun film. The performances are pretty good and a little 80s cheesy but overall the dialogue hasn’t dated to badly. Stephen Dorff was a fine little actor back then too it seems. Who’d ever realise he’s grow up to be…um in films…ok not so many lately but still.

When did they clone Michael Jackson?
When did they clone Michael Jackson?

Now the fun part, the demons. The SFX on make these was old school green screen Star wars stuff as well as practical FX. They are not always perfect and sometimes you can see the green screen outlines but some scenes such as when the big daddy major demon turns up are just beautifully made and reminiscent of some of the Claymation of Charles H. Schneer. Of course the minions are guys in suits but they look pretty cool.

I would recommend this to anyone who loves cheesy 80s monster movies as I’ve said before that would be someone like my manly self. I would give this movie a monstertastic 7 and a side note the guy who plays Terrance stars in the second Gate movie but that for a future review.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Raptor becomes a Role Model

So as conversations usually go with Gavor before they degenerate into abuse hurling we were talking about our content we have been posting up and how I’m not contributing enough to entice the main stream audience and putting up all my geek porn instead blah blah I stopped listening after that so fine! I’m now going to debase myself and put up something all you non geeks can enjoy, yes that’s right you mum. So with out further delay I bring you Raptors review of the Role Models. Roll tape.

Nothing says manly like a Minotaur costume
Nothing says manly like a Minotaur costume

Role Models stars the ever amusing Paul Rudd who plays Danny Donahue, a man so dejected with his life and job as a Minotaur drinks promoter/youth speaker that he is on the verge of cracking. Mean while his fried Wheeler, played perfectly by Seann William Scott, as Danny's  side kick Minotaur mascot who loves his job as it gets him all the girls he could want. As the inevitable happens Danny cracks after one too many school presentations dragging and his friend down with him. Long suffering lawyer girlfriend played by the cute Elizabeth Banks manages to cut a deal where instead of jail they do community service with the judges favourite organisation, Sturdy Wings led by Gale Sweeny (Jane Lynch) a reformed druggy/whore/gangbanger/you name it she has snorted it or done it. Both Danny and Wheeler want their hours to be over as quickly as possible and no enthusiasm is lost in their new charity work which is being a mentor to kids who need a friend, sort of like a big brother program. Bring in the kids, played by Christopher Mintz-Plasse (Yes, McLovin himself) and Bobb’e J. Thompson. Chris’s character is a LAIR aficionado, sort of a mass costumed war role play game where players fight with padded weapons and who’s parents think is weird. Bobb’e plays a foul mouthed little shit. End of story.

"Did you fart?"
Did you fart?

So as you would in a story like this the two adults don’t get along with the kids at the beginning and after some ups and downs they all come together to fight the tyrannical King Argotron of LAIR (played wickedly foppish by Ken Jeong).

Now I have to say Paul and Seann played their characters to a T and comedic chemistry was defiantly there. Pretty much the rest of the cast were good for it too and some of the LAIR scenes were hilarious. I cracked up continuously through this one and let’s face it; we all like a feel good happy ending. On a side note Paul Rudd was one of the screen writers on this so good work there. If you liked movies such as Super Bad, 40 Year old Virgin and Knocked Up this one is for you. I give it an 8/10 for comedy gold.


Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Taken (2008) - Revenge done hot and stabby

Sometimes a magical things happens when you watch a movie. You're in the right place at the right time and your mind frame is perfectly aligned with the theme of the movie you're about to watch (of course this also applies to other media like books and music). Such a happening came about the other day at 30,000 feet, winging it overseas on an impromptu work trip after arriving back home from a holiday just the day before. Three flights in 24 hours does nothing for my state of mind. The seemingly decent movies on offer were 12 rounds(or 10, or whatever), Watchmen (which I'd already seen), Gran Torino, Taken, The International and some other movie that escapes me now. Not a bad selection for a 9 hour flight.

I went for X Rounds first, figuring it would be mindless crap to fill 90 minutes and get me sleepy. Or drunk. Or both. It was mindless crap. Restless, tired and with only one beer in me; I was a touch cranky when I decided to watch Taken - a movie starring Liam Neeson(who I quite like)  and co-starring Liam Neeson's fists. Also co-starring was Famke Janssen who looks like Claudia Karven and features the same lack of breasts. See.

You could land a plane on that chest
You could land a plane on that chest
So on with the review stuff - man, I loved this movie. Liam Neeson is an ex-CIA operative, Bryan, who left the agency and moved to be near his daughter in downtown somewhere-or-other, USA. The ex-wife (Jannsen) has re-married a really nice rich man who looks somewhat like Colonel Sanders, so perhaps she enjoys hot wings (excuse my poor innuendo). Bryan's daughter wants to get out and see the world(ignoring her cynical father's outlook on the global village) so she heads overseas with a friend and they're promptly kidnapped by  sex-slavers(is that a label you can apply to someone?). Great setup for this one too, Bryan is talking to his daughter on the phone when the girls are taken and the kidnapper just happens to find the phone after the girls are taken away.
Bryan: I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.
Marko: [after a long pause] Good luck.

I think we all know what happens next. Bryan goes bat-shit crazy and destroys most of the European sex slave industry with his bare hands. Long story short...
Bryan: A friend gave this to me. Its Albanian. You mind translating it?
Marko: [translates paper] "Good luck".
Bryan: You don't remember me? We spoke on the phone two days ago. I told you I would find you.

That's solid gold revenge movie right there. Of course Marko isn't top of the pile and Bryan goes on to kill a bunch more people before the happy ending.

Neeson was great in this movie, the last before the untimely and tragic loss of his wife. Let's hope he can get back to a happy place and produce more entertaining movies like this one. Janssen was pretty good as the wife, I don't have a great deal of time for her but she always seems to put in a decent performance - plus I spent the whole movie thinking she was Claudia Karven and I like Claudia. Speaking of Australian actresses, that chick from Neighbours who went on to become a minor singing sensation, then disappear, was in it too. Holly Valance! Yeah, that's her.

By the time I'd finished enjoying this movie I couldn't end the flight on a down note so I went on to watch Watchmen. Important footnote(footnote: this footnote not inserted as a footnote): I thought they edited airline movies, but no, the lovely breasts were front and centre for all my fellow passengers to enjoy.

To sum up the movies I watched during the homeward leg; Gran Torino looked good but the sound was too quiet to be heard over the plane noise and The International was shithouse.

Taken - revenge action awesomeness distilled to perfection. 9/10 and a couple of metal rods shoved in your leg.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Getting Some Roasted Poultrygeist

So here I am, getting all annoyed that Gavor has posted nuddy screen caps of movies and while I’ve stuck to…well weak sauce play time pics so I thought what movie can I review that would bring the elements of Horror, Nudity, grossness and musical all into one? Then I chose the Trauma movie Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead. Now a warning to our more sensitive readers, first of all what the fuck are you doing on this site if you are, second this movie is not for everyone but if you don’t mind your movie with gross out humour, crazy gore gags,  B-Grade SFX , nudity and musical numbers, and really who doesn’t, then this movies is for you.

Wendy, have you shaved your chest?
Wendy, have you shaved your chest?

Poultrygeist is directed by Lloyd Kaufman who has directed other Trauma movies such as Toxic Avenger and stared in more B grade films than I can point a voodoo stick at.  He also appears in the film as the older Arbie. The two stars of the movie are played with great energy by Jason Yachanin as Arbie our love struck hero and the very cute Kate Graham as Wendy the love interest turned experimentally lesbian. All the acting in her is very tongue in cheek and while not Oscar material it kept getting a laugh out of me. It really felt like I was watching some Armature Theatre company put on a comedy but because everyone was having so much fun doing it you just couldn’t help but be pulled in by it all.

Yes its Michael Jackson. Sorry I couldn't resist.
Yes its Michael Jackson. Sorry I couldn't resist.


Other notable performances were Robin Watkins as General Lee Roy the unscrupulous owner of the American Chicken Bunker franchise and Joshua Olatunde as Denny the downtrodden African American store manager trying to make a mark for himself in this white mans world, of course he employs Carl Jr, played by Caleb Emerson, a bigoted yokel with a chicken fetish…go figure.

And now I shall make her skirt dissapear.
And now I shall make her skirt dissapear.

The story starts when an America Chicken Bunker is built over an Indian Burial ground which then brings about the curse of Chicken Dead. What first begins with a possessed chicken carcass soon turns into a gory outbreak of the Chicken Dead and this lets Lloyd Kaufman run loose with the toilet humour and gross out sight gags such as a fat guy with explosive Diarrhea painting the toilet walls or how about implants used  for a bread fillets. Meanwhile Arbie tries to win back the love of his life Wendy by getting a job at the one place that she has been protesting against for it abuse of chickens. As you can see Arbie isn’t the smartest sardine in the can. So when the shit hits the fan it’s up to Ardie and company to save the day and stop the Chicken Dead by finding their one weakness.

Yes she is cute and a lesbian.
Yes she is cute and a lesbian.

Now you’re saying “Raptor that’s all well and good but what makes this so special?” and I would say “Well, dick that can’t help but point out the flaws in my movie review it would be the nudity but more importantly it’s the music”. Yes that’s right; this is a musical but what kind of musical. Well I’d have to say if you’d ever seen the musical episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer then that’s probably the closest I could give and an example. The "Slow Fast Food Love" is a ballad sung by Ardie and Wendy and more importantly with Wendy half naked and a number of other naked girls but my favorite would probably be the Irish like jig by young and old Ardie titled Longing to Live/Waiting to Die".

This movie is full of flaws but the lead casts are so likeable and filled with stupid vigor that I have to give this one 7.5/10 and now lets roll the screen shots.