Raptors Stuck in the Doghouse

You know Doghouse is a frightening movie for men mainly because it’s about women on PMS with weapons. Actually it’s about zombie women on PMS with weapons.

It starts with a group of guys getting together to head off for a weekend out to cheer up Vince (Stephen Graham from Snatch) after he had a break up with his wife.  So they hire a bus and take him to a town in the middle of no where. Soon they find that all the women are infected with some virus released as an experiment by the government that changes the women to flesh eating zombies who can still wield weapons.  They try to make it back to the bus but that now has been overrun and so begins their plan to escape.

I think they are scared because they saw the extra meat and two veg.

This movie seems to be a vindication for all the trouble that men have with women but it does wear a little thin by the second half and just leans a little too much into the misogynist side.  Even so it does take it all with a comedic bent that takes the edge off enough too be watchable and frankly you wouldn’t want to meet these zombie women in a dark ally and please, please don’t ask for the $10 drop the pants special.  The guys put on a reasonable performance and the British banter makes them quite likeable. The zombie girls, and there are a lot of them,  each have their own individual look such as the hair dresser runs around with two scissors or the gothic paraphernalia store owner is a large breasted zombie with a huge sword….compensating for something. Maybe, just maybe. They also have two phases in their disease. Phase one is a slower, not so bright zombie state. Phase two they morph into red eyed long clawed she demons with more smarts…oh noes!


The ending on this one kind of irked me. They end up getting away but find that one of the guys they left behind was still alive, so they go back to get him and then after finding him are about to leave the village again and…that’s it. What? You couldn’t have put in an extra 5 mins of footage. Bah! What ever.


Over all, the movie was ok. The zombies were interesting and the characters quite solid. I give this one a 6.5/10.

The Book of Eli (2010)

In post nuclear America, half a generation has passed since the disaster and only the dwindling numbers of 'old-timers' recall life before the bombs dropped. One of these old-timers is Eli, a man with superlative combat and survival skills wandering the wastes (Denzel Washington). In his possession is a book, a book he reads every day and that he vows to transport somewhere. Somewhere a little vague and apparently inspired by God. Along the way he runs into a tin pot dictator, played by Gary Oldman, who wants the book for himself because it will grant him power over people with the power of  its words. Kind of scary. And yes, it's the bible. The last bible in existence actually after people went crazy and blamed all religions for the apocalypse - and rightfully so I imagine. So, in a nutshell, Eli claims a mandate from God to save the book that caused all the trouble in the first place.

On the evil side, Gary Oldman is the old-timer who understands religion's power to control people, and therefore represents the fundamental truth that no matter the best intentions of religious folk, there is an abundance of people out there ready to use religion for their own gain. The plot therefore sent mixed messages and annoyed the hell out of me. Meanwhile, the rest of the world no longer has religion and the people live tough, brutish lives. I'm pretty sure this was intentional. The unenlightened had few morals and some were on the way toward to bestial lives governed by pillage, rape and drunkenness.  Interpret that was you will.

In the end it boils down to this; Oldman gets his hands on the book after shooting Washington in the stomach - though this is after Washington kills pretty much all of Oldman's private thug army. Washington is then saved by a female hanger-on whose role in the film probably read 'look pretty, rescue Washington'. Oldman then discovers the bible is in Braille and so we're led to believe that Washington's character, Eli, was blind. Or at least I think we are, it's quite confusing. He acts like a man who can see most of the time (such as when he's looking over a cliff edge and watches a couple being attacked and raped by members of Oldman's gang), but the big finale with the braille bible thing seems to suggest he is blind. Personally, I don't think he was. If I'm wrong they handled it incredibly badly so it made no sense, added nothing spectacular to the ending and generally brought the overall tone of the movie down. 

Meanwhile in Japan, a new breed of superhero emerged to save the people of earth...

Oldman of course cannot read the bible and then dies. Washington escapes to Alcatraz with his young poontang and then dictates the entire bible to Malcolm McDowell, the leader of an institution dedicated to collecting what they can from the ruins and kick-starting all of civilisation again. Naturally, only the Americans can achieve this. Washington then dies and the poontang wanders off to do fuck knows what. By this time I'd lost interest in the quasi-religious bunkum and prepubescent philosophy, so I kind of didn't watch the last 10 minutes properly. The institute then prints the bible according to Eli whereupon they take it to a book full of books and put it on a shelf with a bunch of other religious texts. A fitting place for it really, just one book among many.

I'm not sure if my feelings for the movie came across in that little synopsis so let me state it clearly - this movie was rubbish. Denzel Washington as Eli gave a passable performance, especially in the first 30 or so minutes when we see him journey across the wastes alone. Everyone else was average to mediocre, though the cookie cutter characters must have made life difficult for them. After that initial 30 minutes of interest the rest of the movie was as stated above, religious and pseudo-philosophical. Some people died, a book was sought and pretty much all the main characters died. A great set up and well constructed visuals, wasted on a muddled story so full of holes it leaked the credibility right out by the 60 minute mark.

I'll give this one two scores; 2/10 if Eli is blind, otherwise 4/10. At the least the beginning was entertaining.

Raptor Howls at the Moon

So last weekend I caught the The Wolfman at the movies. This was one of those movies I was looking forward to but was a little worried that it would be…well crap really. I’m happy to say it wasn’t crap but a reasonable fair. This I can pretty much say was mainly due to the strong acting guns of the cast.

Director Joe Johnston has a number of well know movies under his belt such as Jumanjii and Jurassic Park III and some Visual Effects notably from Indian Jones and Star Wars. Here he has brought to life the Victorian period along with the superstitious village atmosphere meeting the forward thinking city folk.

Do these teeth make me look angry?

The story centres on Ben Talbot (Benicio Del Toro) and actor who returns home to his windowed father, Sir John Talbot (Anthony Hopkins), after the death of his brother to some wild animal or crazy psychotic. He encounters Gwen his brothers now widowed wife played by the lovely Emily Blunt and promises to track down the killer. After tracking down some gypsies they are assailed by the werewolf and he is bitten.  Soon London sends their finest to help track down the killer and by finest I mean the Detective on the Jack the Ripper case, Abberline, non other than Mr Smith himself, Hugo Weaving.  This leads to the eventual confrontation between Ben, the Werewolf and Abberline.

As you can see, the cast is really strong and they do put their acting chops into this and make quite the believable and dramatic presentation. Del Toro does a great job as the brooding Ben and even manages to make some of the cringe worthy lines laudable. Anthony Hopkins plays the liege of the family as a distant broken man slowly drifting into madness. At first I thought he may be playing to his role in Dracula but believe me it’s wildly different from this. Hugo Weaving is great as always as the Abberline, a cunning and grounded man who doesn’t believe in the superstitious; by the end of the movie his views are shattered.

Emily Blunt actually plays a very strong heroine as Gwen. She isn’t simpering and does take action herself in lie of events.

19th century Victoria is recreated beautifully. From the cities, to the clothing and even scenic locals of the misty woods it’s exactly what you’d expect. Now the werewolf transformation was pretty good although it did look a little CGI at times. The werewolves themselves were mostly practical FX which is great and harkened back to the old black and white Werewolf movies but every now and then you just look at the makeup and think, I wonder if that mask is going to fall off or can you pick your nose in that thing? Also there is a lot of killing and gore in this. We have decapitations, eviscerations and I’m sure there was and emasculation there somewhere amongst the severed limbs.

On the other side the end fight see did make me giggle a little also with all the latex masks and body fur running about. The big reveal of who the identity of the werewolf was so obvious that I don’t even have to mention it here but let’s just say it’s one of the above. Finally there was a couple of cliché dialogue scenes were I did groan a little, these saved only by the deliverance of the actors.  Oh yeah, no boobies at all to see in from here to Queen Victoria herself.

Overall the Wolfman is a very good creature feature with a couple of fury areas that could use a trimming. I give this movie a 7.5/10.

Who's Watching Raptor

With so many super hero movies out at the moment it’s rare to see one with breadth and depth that Watchmen brings. Director Zack Snyder of 300 fame has taken the true spirit of the Allen Moore penned comic book and brought it to screen with his own kinetic and stylised er…style.

It starts off with the death of the Comedian, who is one of my favourite characters I’ve decided. This starts a search for the killer by a vigilante called Rorschach (My other favourite character) which cascades into a wide spread plot to bring about world peace but in a very immoral way which begs the question. Do the ends justify the means? I truly was torn at the end of the film with this exact question.  Is killing a million people to save several billion ok? I could see the point and I could see they why but even I had a hard time justifying it and I guess that’s the crux of it. It’s not an easy decision and most people of moral values would say no it doesn’t but then isn’t it just as morale to save so many…well kind of.

Thuck it in girls! Let the thpandex do its thing.

Now as mentioned before the Comedian, played by  Jeffrey Dean Morgan who you may have seen in the series Supernatural, was the epitome of the Anti-Hero. He performs acts which may be considered heroic or deplorable but all in the name of his country and time after time he is forgiven because of it.  He drips sarcasm and to paraphrase he is a parody of mankind. We see his actions and relationships with the other characters in flashbacks which are used a lot to fill in the plot and background of each of the characters. Laughing while firing a flame thrower at the Vietnamese we finally see him guilt ridden and confessing to one of his old enemies.  Rorschach is another stellar performance by Jackie Early Haley . He plays a gruff, hardnosed mask wearing detective type who sees everything in black and white. There is no grey. The good are there to be protected and the bad to be condemned to hell.  Even at the bitter conclusion he stands firm on his beliefs even to his detriment. He is almost the purist Hero, a violent crazy hero but still a hero. Dr. Manhattan, portrayed by Billy Crudup, is the most powerful naked blue man on the planet. He is so far removed from humans that he is loosing what little humanity he has left and his part shows a lot of his struggle with it. Other notables are Nite Owl (Patrick Wilson) who is practically your Clark Kent crossed with batman superhero who along with Silk Spectre (A very cute Malin Akerman) are swept up in the plot. Finally Ozymandias (Matthew Goode) the smartest man in the world, is a very cool Super hero/villain.

I can’t fault the performances of any of the main characters. They were all quite strong and each had there hearts in their roles and brought their A games to characters that could have come out quite plastic and cliché instead became mutli-faceted which in part was also due to the strong script.

Because the movie spand several generations of superheroes the soundtrack fit this perfectly with song by Bob Dylan to David Bowie and other similar musicians form the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s. Did I mention that the story unfolds in the 80s? Oh yes, there is spandex galore as well as naked blue penis….you’ll see.

Now special FX and CGI wise I loved what Zack Snyder has done. The cinematography was beautiful and he did have a number of his signature slow-mo scenes alla 300 but not to the same degree I’d have to say. It also doesn’t hold back on the violence. Believe me this is not a kids movie. With arms breaking, bodies exploding, hands cut off and multiple shootings this a graphic novel brought to a movie and I do mean graphic.

The movie does drag in parts and the back and forth flashbacks can be confusing to some but these were all minor details. To me this was what a super hero movie should be, fleshed out characters, a solid thought out and complex plot along with lots of kerpow and bang in the eye. Oh yeah spandex too. I give this a 9/10.

Bad Lieutenant - not a remake (2009)

Last night I had the pleasure of watching Bad Lieutenant, not the original but also not a remake - mostly. Sure, it's about a drug addicted cop who does things his way -  accepts drugs and sex as bribes, steals from the property room and shacks up with a hooker - but only some of those elements are in the original and if the director of the flick says this wasn't intended as a remake, then that's good enough for me.

This is pretty much the expression he wears all movie

This movie is about a cop (Nicholas Cage in a rare good performance) with a bad back who takes a lot of drugs to deal with the pain - or at least that's his easy excuse for being consistently fucked up on coke, painkillers, crack etc. The great thing about this movie is that he remains the same character from beginning to end, fucking things up, making them right and putting the bad guys away. There were two ways I interpreted the ending; first it could be a drug induced dream and secondly it was the real deal. As shown, instead of being caught out and learning from his mistakes, he solves all his problems through the judicious use of drugs and know-how and in the end he's cruising along in his usual drug induced haze.

You can consider the ending real or a crack pipe dream, it's never clearly stated and the viewer is left to their own discretion. I liked it, it wasn't your usual bullshit happy ending.All things considered I believe the ending was real, if a bit jokey. Cage's character went on to feign sobriety in front of his ex-junkie ex-hooker wife as well as his recovered alcoholic dad and step-mum. These were the only people who knew or had an inkling of his secret life before they reformed, and he simply added them to the list of people he lies too. There's a glimmer of redemption in the final scene but that's how it stays. Just a possibility, then the credits roll.As a whole movie I think this worked. Ignore the naysayers clinging to their original cult classic (which I've never seen), this is a similar movie with a different story and worthy of viewing in its own right. Some of the cinematography was odd but I forgive that for the way the rest of the story was so well told, shot and wrapped up.

Snorting coke off your hand in a dimly lit toilet never played out so good - 7/10

ps. Still no nudie pics, none of the women in this movie appear to have removed more than an overcoat in their movie career. Sorry.

Zatoichi (2003)

Look at my stick, it's a big ol stick. STAB!

Zatoichi, is a remake of the popular and long running series set in the Edo period of Japan's history about a blind Japanese swordsman. The movies began in the 60s and a TV series of over 100 episodes was also produced in the 70s. All up there are around 26 movies plus a few knock-offs like the American made Blind Fury. This particular incarnation is the first Zatoichi made since 1989 and features a far bigger budget than any of the previous movies. The director is also the main character and one of the editors, so that was one way to cut costs. But enough of the history, was it any good? Well, unlike many Japanese/Korean/Chinese martial arts films, the answer for me is a pretty confident yes.

The film begins with a couple of murders then introduces the main character - Zatoichi - followed by the bad guys made up of two rival gangs, then a few good guys to round out the cast. Among the good guys are a middle-aged peasant woman, her mostly useless nephew, a Geisha woman, her brother (disguised as a Geisha) and a motley collection of others featuring the crazy next door neighbor who runs around in his underwear carrying out his version of samurai training. The movie bounces between several main locations; a bar, the peasant womans house, a gambling den, the streets of the town, various flashbacks - and it all feels genuine. That coming from a man who has never been to Edo period Japan, but as far as movie sets go they were convincing.

The story revolves around the Geisha woman, her brother and their quest for vengeance. A gang called the rotting ropes murdered their parents in a paper-home invasion several years back, and ever since they've travelled the land disguised as Geisha entertainers, tracking down gang members and killing them. The siblings arrive in town and meet Zatoichi and the nephew. As the story progresses they discover one of the warring gangs in town is the rotting ropes, and so hatch a plot of murder and dismemberment. Zatoichi goes on to kill a lot of people including all the men in the gambling den when he catches them cheating, and it's wrapped up at the end with a nice long dance number. Yes, a dance number.

For all its funny little idiosyncracies (synchronised field ploughing music, overwrought spurts of blood?), Zatoichi is a serious film about a hardcore dude who kills every motherfucker in the room while at the same time being completely blind. What I really appreciated about the fighting was its brevity. A fighter won or lost in the first 5 seconds, none of this back and forth rubbish, because that's pretty much how real sword fighting worked.

I found the music understated but well matched to each scene and character. The acting was excellent, as I almost always find in Japanese cinema (except Guitar Wolf, but that's a different kind of movie altogether). If I had to complain about anything it would be a few little plot holes and perhaps the length - it was just a touch too long. If anyone can explain why the brother and sister initially tried to kill Zatoichi and the nephew, it would fill in a big plot hole for me.

8.5/10 - Good fun cinema from the far east (or near north for me in Australia). Lot's of swords, plenty of killing, a little philosophy. Oh and no wire fighting. Recommended.