Raptor gets Hunted

I’m one of those people that liked Predator 2 so sue me. I also didn’t like Predators vs Aliens but I though PvA2 was pretty good. See first sentence. So I decided to check out Predators brought to us by one of my favourite directors Robert Rodriguez but not directing this time but producing, instead we have Nimrod Antal. So what did I know going in? Well there would be no Schwarzenegger and there would be Adrian Brody as the lead.  There would be multiple Predators, a gazillion I hear. It would be set in an alien jungle and there would be a bunch of bad asses tagging along.

Oh Snap! You got served!

The story went like this: dangerous people from our world are picked up and dropped onto this planet so that the Predators can go hunting. They then try to figure out what happening, survive and turn the tables against the Predators, so really the first movie but with more Predators.

The Predator hounds are pretty horny...hehehe what?

Did it suffer because of the lack of good old Arny? I have to say defiantly not, I didn’t want to see another Arnold film, I wanted to see something a bit different and I pretty much got that with Adrian Brody. He brought a lot of screen presence to the film and he buffed up even on his wiry frame. He is quick like the Minx. He character Royce is ex-military turned merc and is jaded by life and believes that you can’t count on anyone else but yourself. This ideal is questioned by Alice Bragas’ Isabelle, a sniper from some war who lost her spotter on her last mission.  Other characters include the crazy felon Stans (Walton Goggins), Nikolai a Chechnyan soldier who is the 2^nd rate stand in for Schwarzenegger, a cool Yakuza by the name of Hazo (Louis Ozawa Changchien), Mombasa an African soldier and Danny Trejo one of Rodriguez favourite actors and soon to be in the up coming Machete. Then the black sheep and they guy who doesn’t seem to fit into it all is Topper Grace playing a scitterish fish out of water, Dr Edwin.  I guessed it and you will too as to what his bad habit is but he turns out to be a bit of a bastard. One of the cool but disappointing cast members was Laurence Fishburne who played a previous survivor.  His part felt a bit short and expendable. I guess he was there to explain the fact that they were all seriously fucked.  Who knew? The group worked well as a whole and for an action movie there is some character development unless they got killed off early.

 

The most touching part of the movie was the love story between Predator and man.

Now let’s get to the Predator. I lied. There weren’t a gazillion, there were only four. Three of them are from one Predator race while the last is the seemingly classic Predator who they have captured. The three Predators had quite distinct looks and hunt in different ways and they also set traps to lure and weaken their prey. They have their big face offs and such as the Hazo with a samurai sword vs wrist blades which is all pretty cool. Even the classic Predator get’s a few licks in with one of them although not fairing to well. 

Oh come back, I just want to play with your spine.

The SFX were pretty good all round. I can’t really complain at all. The predator hounds looked awesome and were pretty viciouse. There was also a spaceship, laser blasts left right and centre and even a net trap. Dam that Wookie. There was a bit of gore even Predator gore and included such hits as stabbing, beheadings and blaster wounds, overall nothing that would make you to squeamish though. And finally no boobies to be seen unless you count Predator and Brody bare chests.

Mucho Mucho Man. I want to be a Mucho man!

I have to say I liked this instalment of the Predator franchise. It when back to it’s roots but with a bit of a twist. The first act was built up at loping pace and the final act brought it all home. I would defiantly be interested in seeing a Predators 2 if there is talk about it. I give this one an 8/10 for action in your eye.

Pontypool (2008)

I came across Pontypool on a website promising to be the definitive list of best horror from 2008. Two titles stood out as features I hadn't heard of and wanted to see, on the back of the glowing reviews. I don't know what it is with me and horror movies lately. I don't enjoy the pap bandied about by self proclaimed 'horror aficionados' - Drag me to Hell, The Ring, The Grudge and so on - and I really get into movies that somehow missed out on the love. Not necessarily smaller movies, niche or indy stuff like Splinter - also big budget movies like Silent Hill.

I really enjoyed Silent Hill

Anyway, I'm reviewing Pontypool today, a movie that falls firmly into the 'small film' niche. Small film, small budget, one location for the entire movie (except the beginning and end). Pontypool tells the tale of a real honest to goodness cowboy, Grant Mazzy played by Stephen McHattie, working as a radio DJ. Once he was a big star in the big smoke, now he spins shit and discs in small-town Pontypool. Once cold, snowy day, Grant and his two off-siders - Sydney (Lisa Houle) and Laurel-Ann (Georgina Reilly) - begin receiving increasingly disturbing phone calls about riots and mayhem around the town. Safe, or so they think, in their little radio station, they listen with increasing horror as the town outside falls apart.

My spattered blood forms in the image of a cowboy. Shame, I was hoping for a naked woman.

While fairly well made, Pontypool annoys me through all the missed opportunities. After about and hour of decent build up, nothing striking is done with the built up tension and great concept. There was a huge opportunity to follow through with a truly scary second half but instead I saw a hokum and slightly silly segment about the plague outside being transmitted by sound, the characters running about the small set like headless chickens and some boring zombies. Where the first half was eerie and filled with a slight sense of impending doom, well built through the use of phone calls and the isolation of the protagonists from what was happening, the second half was flaccid and boring.

And that's about all I can say because that's all that happened. The ending wasn't a Deus Ex Machina so to speak, but it negated all the work Grant and Sydney did trying to save their own lives and perhaps stop the plague. Still, by that stage the movie had outlived it's premise and I was ready for it to end anyway.

5/10

Summary: A watchable movie that would have worked better with a little more show, a little less tell and a much better second act.

Raptor Takes a Peak into the 8th Dimension

I do like 80s Sci-fi movies. Mainly for the fact that they were still quite eccentric and hadn’t conformed quite to what we perceive as your typical sci-fi today and the fact that the fashion sucked so hilariously! What movie embodies 80s Sci-fi in your mind? Blade runner? No too good. The Thing? More horror really. Battle Beyond the Stars? Oh yeah, now we are getting somewhere but what I’m talking about it is The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension. This has it all, 80’s hair styles, 80’s cloths a who’s who of 80s actors and let’s not forget 80s sensibilities like every hero is in a band. Hey it was acceptable in the 80s.

Anyone wanna rockout with your cock out?..ok no then.

Buckaroo starts off with a great little voice over about how Buckaroo, our hero played by Robocops’ Peter Weller, grew up with a Japanese Scientist Professor Hikita (Robert Ito). It reminded me of a narrative to a documentary about the great American pioneers poetic and matter-of-fact. We then are introduced to the adult Buckaroo who is now a Scientist/Brain Surgeon/Test pilot/Rock Star and adventurer. Wow, women want him and men want to be him. His band, the Hong Kong Cavaliers, are all scientist and adventurers themselves as well as being musicians. With Hikita, Bukaroo has developed a device that allows him to pass through the 8^th dimension….with a car and through solid objects. When they do this they discover rebel aliens locked away by these Jamaican like aliens. They give the Earth an ultimatum, stop the Rebels from escaping or they blow the planet up. What’s a Scientist/Brain Surgeon/Test pilot/Rock Star/Adventure to do but save the world.

Actually I admit, this is a cool shot.

Bukaroos’ cast is really quite large and include Jeff Goldblum (the Fly), John Lithgow as crazy scientist, Clany Brown the bad Highlander from Highlander, Christopher Loyd (Back to the Future) and Ellen Barkin as Penny, Bukaroos’ love interest. You’d probably notice a smattering of other faces that you’ll recognize too. All of them play this for fun and there isn’t a mean bone in the script at all. There are typical 80s scenes like the band getting all rock star and singing and did I mention he knows the America President? Yeah who knew.

I know what your thinking you dirty Fly boy

The SFX are not too bad, we get bug eyed aliens, weird organic ships and little poisonous spider bullets but l some of it is also pretty “oh deary me” too like the trip into the 8^th dimension or the protective masks they put on at one point (think chipped mirrored masquerade ball). You can’t blame them really, I’m sure all the kids were doing back then.

Unfortunately I’m sad to report there was no nudity what so ever in this movie. Alas we see no Ellen Barkin bits but she does so some nice leg action, phwaar. Overall I did like the movie and good natured attitude. I give this one a 6.5/10.

Raptors Mega Day!

Recently I watched the B grade movie of Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus. Why? Because I’m a sucker for both punishment and giant monster movies.

Oh yeah, full on Plane eating!

Both the two monstrosities are released from some glacier after being trapped for hundreds of thousands of years meh why not millions, that’s a number too, and carry on the battle of eating planes and oil rigs um WTF? Yeah that’s pretty much how it all starts. Some scientist in a sub played by 80s pop princes Deborah Gibbs see some soldiers in a chopper cracks open some ice with some fancy charge thingy, that’s the technical term. The first thing the octopus does is take down an oil rig. Why? Who knows, maybe it looked like it’s mommy. The Mega shark then jumps some 2 to 3km out of the water and eats a passenger plane…yeah that’s right. Obviously physics or for that matter logic are part of this movie. At some point you get Lorenzo Lamaz as some super army general called Allan, he orders the navy after the beasts and yes you get it, get eaten. Nom, nom, nom. Eventually they decide to use phermons to lure the beast to America and Japan where they well eat people and then decide to use the same tactic to lure them together so they can have an unholy union and make sharktopus babies or eat each other.

Oh yeah, full on Bridge eating!

Well that’s all very well and good but how good were the special FXs hey. They must have been monumentally awesome! Er not really. They slid from passable to very average to gauge your eyes out crappy. They also had a habit of reusing scenes. I swear I saw the same scene of a soldier guarding a secret base three times. Also the ship and submarine bridges were in a electricity plant or something. I guess the budget didn’t cover that.

Oh yeah, full Shark on Octopus action!

The acting was ok for a B grade movie you just had to roll your eyes a lot to get past most of it. Believe me at the end of it I thought that it was the world spinning and not me.

This movie was sucktastic. Hey watch it if you have nothing else better to do like knitting or trying to see how long you can make a Mintis wrapper. I give this a 3.5/10.

Carriers (2009)

If you've seen a post apocalyptic movie, you'll know the basic premise here in Carriers. A bunch of young things are crossing the country (America of course) in a car to holiday at the beach; complete with sunglasses, beer and surfboards. We have hunky guy who does all the driving and drinks beer, not so hunky guy (his brother), pretty girl number one (girlfriend of hunky guy) and pretty girl number two (some rich chick they picked up along the way). However, all is not well in the world and these four are actually heading to the beach to escape a terrible worldwide plague.

Humanity as a plague, not that old chestnut

Along the way, the foursome pick up two more people - an infected little girl and her father - then drive on to check out the rumor of a cure at a nearby medical. Naturally the little girl is a threat, so to avoid spreading the disease the characters seal them into the rear of the car. This part of the film is by far the best and explores a few interesting concepts like humanity, compassion and fear. I don't mind the resolution, it's only disappointing that the rest of the movie failed to retain that level of focus and interest.

Guess what happens to the sick little girl. A happy ending and free tickets to Disney on Ice?

After leaving that plot-line behind, the  movie jumps from locale to locale, situation to situation, without grabbing your attention or making you care much about the characters involved. This is a touch disappointing when the characters involved are the key characters and the only characters that made you care have come and gone already. I really didn't give a shit about 4 young things in a car trying to reach a beach resort to save their own asses, while a little girl and her dad are a pair of characters (well acted characters) you form an attachment to and want to see win out in the end. So when the 'main' characters start falling, it's hard to give a fuck - and I didn't.

Left to right: slutty but caring girl, unstable and unlikeable guy, boring guy and undeveloped character girl. This picture makes me sleepy.

If Carriers were about the guy and his daughter travelling America, avoiding plague victims and cocks like the four pictured above - then Carriers would be a decent movie with heart-string pulling moments and plenty of action. Perhaps even a positive but ambiguous ending to satisfy the taste of as many viewers as possible and leave it up for a sequel. Instead we get a bunch of cardboard pretty things, half an hour of decent movie, a few very prolonged character deaths and...yes indeed...another shitty and highly predictable horror movie ending. Such promise put together in such a mediocre fashion.

4/10

Summary: Something that could have been quite decent; let down by crappy characters, mediocre story and a predictable ending. Watch to the end of the little girl plot then turn it off. The two characters on the left die and the two on the right, the least developed characters of 2010, survive and make it to the beach. Blargh.

Raptor reaches Godspeed

Charlie Sheppard (Joseph Mckelheer) is a faith healer, praise the Lord! He once had the Mojo and of late he has been trying to find it again but the Faith healing Mojo is gone. Then to make matters really suck his family is murdered by two hooded guys while he is out humping some woman. Praise the Lord!

Let us make colour on this picture like garish butterflies and wallah! Le craptacular poster.

This obviously messes him up big time. Fast forward six months or so and he’s living a hermits life and being visited by the local sheriff who’s still looking for leads on the killings. Charlie has lost his faith now and hates God and is editing out everything he disagrees with in a bible which is most of it. Then comes in Sarah Roberts (a very cute Courtney Halverson) who asks for Charlies help and leads him back to her family farm. This is where he meets her fanatical brother Luke Roberts(Cory Knauf) and his family friend Tim. Aside from working on a blossoming cult were involved in the death of Charlies family. So the settings is right for a bonfire of kaboom.

Godspeed is set in the Alaska twilight and movie has that slow burn build. You know by the end of it the shits going to hit the fan but your just not sure who is going to survive or not. Joseph Mckelheer plays Charlie as bitter man who wants to forget the past unfortunately for him the past doesn’t want him to forget. Who is this past I’m talking about, well that’s Courtney Halversons’ Sarah who seems quite innocent but still manages to seduce Charlie into helping her out. Then we meet Luke, Cory Knauf has done a pretty good job of brining out the crazy in this guy although I did think it was a little over the top at times. Charlies past has had a direct affect on his view of the world and Charlie is oblivious to it. The one character who I though was surplus in this was the Sheriff. It seemed the only reason he was there was to end up being killed in the end and having accomplished nothing. Woops spoiler, meh it was a suck ass character anyway.

.

Courtney Halverson - She's so cuuute

There is violence in this and it is visceral due to the realism the permeates the movie. The two scenes I’m talking about are the stabbing of Charlies wife and a guy(wont say who) getting his beaten in with a rock.  Probably not the worst you’ll ever see but they do stand out. The setting is quite stunning at times and haunting at others with the Alaska wilds and the low light giving the some of the scenes a washed out gray.

I did like Godspeed. It wasn’t really about faith at all but about loss, revenge and the seemingly irrelevant situation that may causes it. I give this movie a 7/10. Note: needed more boobage.

Martyrs (2008)

For some reason I hesitate to watch movies described as dark, depraved and cruel. I guess I know subconsciously that depravity isn't my thing. It therefore took a few days after getting it to finally watch Martyrs - a movie either praised quite vaguely and held up for it's surprising ending, or reviled for being pointlessly sick and hard to watch. I'd like to forward another review, but first some plot.

A young girl, Lucie, is running away from something and obviously something unpleasant judging by the state of her - bruised, bloody and terrified. Lucie has been tortured and locked away for reasons unknown and this is shown through little flashbacks as the movie progresses. While in an orphanage she's befriended by Anna and this friendship continues when the movie flashes 15 years into the future. Lucie is now crazy as a loon and guns down a family as they sit eating breakfast, claiming these are the people who held and tortured her all those years ago. This is also the point where a decent movie could have become a great thriller and instead...well...goes in a different direction. In a nutshell, Anna turns up to help bury the bodies and Lucie is tormented by a demon who cuts and beats her - a demon Lucie had been tormented by since childhood and thought she would purge by killing her tormentors.

Not this phylum of demon, unfortunately

So that's a pretty good start. Lucie is obviously crazy, and not the disco crazy everyone loves, oh no, she's imaginary demon crazy. Homicide crazy. Cutting yourself crazy. It's pretty obvious the demon is in her head and the cutting/beating thing is self-inflicted. Although obvious, I thought that was a good idea and had to wait until later in the movie before I was 100% sure. Anna on the other hand isn't so sure that Lucie is right about these people being monsters, in fact she isn't sure Lucie was even tortured. As a viewer I was left pondering whether the whole thing was a construct in Lucie's mind - perhaps she was abused as a child and built a fantasy over the years then latched onto a couple who superficially resembled the people she remembered from childhood and used them for revenge to 'purge her demons'. Oh, if only the movie had gone that way this would have been something worth watching.

A note on the gore and torture. It's pretty mild. I expected everything laid bare, no punches pulled, right in your face gore and horror. Nope. A lot was done off camera or obscured by something else. Horrific stuff was glimpsed or filmed from an extreme angle to mask what was being shown. Only twice did I wince a little, and that was Lucie cutting herself. It wasn't extreme, I just don't like scenes of people openly cutting themselves. The torture at the end, though overly long and unpleasant, wasn't hardcore or graphic. Just pointless. Perhaps when the girl is skinned you could make a claim for extreme, if muscles and a little blood freaks you out. I've seen worse, a lot worse..and I don't even watch movies like Hostel or Saw.


So, what really happens in the second act is weird and disappointing. Lucie kills herself. Anna finds a torture chamber under the house. A bunch of people rock up and talk about martyrs and creating martyrs so they can gather information about the afterlife. Apparently extreme torture can make someone a martyr and push them into glimpsing the afterlife. Or something. Obviously this is bad news for Anna and her hope of a full and rich life. Which I'm sure she'd have lived after 15 years with crazy Lucie and witnessing a bunch of gruesome murders.

The future of virtual reality isn't quite what they promised

The bad guys go on to torture the fuck out of her, which we get to watch for 20 minutes or more, then skin her. The skinning works a treat though and Anna apparently sees the afterlife. A gathering of people participating in the program (mostly rich older people, because rich old people have lots of time for crazy) is called at the house to have Anna's words related to them by the old woman who heard her testimony. The old woman kills herself instead so I guess Anna told her they don't have chocolate eclairs in the afterlife. The end.

But they do have trifle in the afterlife. Lots and lots of trifle.

Martyrs, therefore, was not a very good movie. The first half had potential but the rest was unpleasant claptrap. I can only assume that the people who describe it as extreme are more familiar with the works of Disney and those who praised the ending are under the age of 16. Or have received a large blow to the head recently.

Now you're ready to watch Martyrs, here's your ticket

3/10

Summary: Martyrs is shithouse, don't believe the hype.

Raptor uses some Ink

So what do Story Tellers, Path finders and Incubi have to do with a father and a little girl? Well they all come together in the movie Ink.  The scene is set at the begging with sleeping folk being visited initially by Story Tellers who appear in flashes of light and bring good dreams to those they touch. Then shortly after we see the incubi emerge out of shadows, they bring nightmares to those they touch.  Finally a hooded twisted and monstrous figure emerges named Ink who steals the soul of a little girl called Emma. He wants to join the Incubi and the payment is Emma. So starts a battle with the story tellers, and after Ink escapes, a search with a quirky Path Finder named Jacob to locate him. Leiv a rogue Story Teller gets to him first but surrenders to him to save the child. Mean while Emmas estranged father John seems to be the lynch pin to all of this but unfortunately was involved in a car accident.

I know what it looks like but I'm only stealing the girls soul.

There, an interesting start to a bizarre quirky film. Ink is at it’s core a movie about redemption and a metaphor for the subconscious battle of Ego over Id or even good versus evil or what ever the hell you call it. Doing the right thing or continuing to take the selfish path. This is where John (Christopher Soren Kellys) character and the character of Ink come into play. Meanwhile the interaction between these two forces is given physical meaning by the Story tellers and the Incubi.

Jacob: Looks like the guy was hit by a car. Girl: It's a dog you blind idiot!

Ink was directed by Jamin Winans and, considering it low budget, has done quite a brilliant job. The story harkens back to a Donnie Darko feel which you may note by the end. The movie is stylish, fast paced and the characters are solid. You want the Story Tellers to succeed. You want Ink to find his humanity again. I did sympathise with Inks character, as we find out more about him, seems to be a product of his own past actions. Jessica Duffy was quite endearing as Liev, portraying her bravely yet without an ounce of animosity to Ink in which she sees the pains of his past and sets an example to Emma who starts off frightened but with coaxing from Leiv brings out the “fierce lioness” in her. Also a worthy note was the Path Finder Jacob played by Jeremy Make. The quirky nature of this character really appealed to me. He walks around with tape across his eyes, counting out an obscure beat but as his name he sees paths and as he states “the flow must be stopped”.  Of course everyone who doesn’t see the path is an idiot, of course.

I'm happy...in my pants!

It’s rare that you see something cool in a movie now days but the story tellers and Incubi were awesome. I mentioned that the story tellers appeared in flashes of light.  It’s simple yet it did perk up your WTF meter at the begging of the movie. Now the Incubi are something and bizarre at that. Dressed in black, their sinister grinning faces are projected on screens held in front of their faces. Thing is this is the only emotion they show. They reminded me of the future world in 12 Monkeys. The fights held in this out of phase world were quite spectacular. Anything that is broken by them will instantly reform since they the combatants are not affecting the physical object but just the projection of it. Chairs, banisters, windows, anything will reform.

Overacting death aaaand scene. Thats a wrap!

Now it still is a low budget film, while the acting is good and the movie looks far more polished than it’s low budget beginnings, there are the occasional scenes where it does stand out. Not that this matters too much as the story is strong enough to carry it through.

Ha-row Jessica Duffy]

Ink has an underlying emotional urgency running through it, some people may not like this. I did and I was impressed. Sounds obscure? Good. I give it 8/10.

[REC] (both versions)

Spanish jazz-hands

Watching the American version of REC (I'll be dispensing with the [] from this point on) was a bit like eating cheap easter eggs. They look the same, weigh the same and feel the same - but the taste is just short of chocolate. Sometimes disastrously short. Both versions are about a surprise zombie outbreak (is there any other kind?) in an apartment building as documented by a pretty girl and her camera man as they follow a fire fighting unit and record their shift (at night of course). Be warned, this movie is of the first-person cam style like Cloverfield or Diary of the Dead. Personally I love the first-person style when done right, but it's not for everyone.

Over the course of the movie, various of the residents are bitten and infected or torn apart by ravenous zombies. Then the other characters are killed off and finally it's all down to the girl and her camera man. Turns out someone was running experiments in the attic, which became infection ground zero when the subject escaped.

I watched the original Spanish version a couple of years ago and loved it. Naturally, if you dislike first-person movies you shouldn't bother to begin with, otherwise I'm confident horror and zombie fans will agree with me. The characters were interesting enough but more importantly the action and suspense carried this flick all the way through. Doing a first-person movie is like doing a first-person novel, rather than being used as a cheap gimmick, the style must suit the story and not be shoehorned in. The things you can do with first-person - such as only show what the person could see - must be used to further the story and add to the tension or doubt.  Since we can't always see what's happening and we only know what the protagonist knows it sometimes forces us to use our imagination and thus fill in the gaps. Plenty happens off-camera in REC, with lots more being shown in flashes or glimpses, adding to the value of re-watching later. As a matter of fact, I feel like watching it right now.

The remade American version is pretty much the same as the original, except in English and with a different cast. For some reason it's also not as good. I can't put my finger on it and perhaps it's simply because the American lead actress wasn't as good as the Spanish one, or maybe because I'd already seen REC and the remake was literally a carbon copy. I should probably mention at this point that the American remake is called Quarantine, not REC.



REC the original gets 8/10 from me, the remake maybe 6.5/10. 

Raptor Suits Up Again

I remember when the first Iron Man came out and I walked out of the theatre thinking man that was awesome so it was with some trepidation that I walked into Iron Man 2.

Oh yeah check out my guns....and donuts

The story begins directly after Iron Man. We are introduced to Ivan Vanko (Mickey Rourke) who’s dying father was cheated by Howard Stark. His death sets him on a revenge cycle and after a failed first attempt and a prison break out he is befriend by billionaire rival weapons manufacturer Justin Hammer (Sam Rockwell) enlists him to build him and ultimate suit to make Tony Stark look bad at his own Stark Expo. Vanko has other ideas and builds drowns instead. Mayhem ensures. The power core in his chest is also poisoning Stark and his father may be the key to saving him and the world.

The camera is where? Oh what if I stand like this? Do we need these two in the background?

Now Robert Downey Jr is still impressive as the charismatic Tony Stark and his chemistry with the rest of the cast was still spot on from witty dialogue to emotional moments it didn’t skip a beat. The character of James Rhodes (War Machine) has been replaced by Don Cheadle who I actually though was a better choice than Terrence Howards portrayal from the original Iron man. He seemed to give a more human and sympathetic version of Rhodes. Mickey Rourke still looks like a bad ass and while his Vanko isn’t as sinister as Jeff Bridges Iron Man villain he still quite intimidating. Sam Rockwell is still a great fun character actor and his Justin Hammer is portrayed as an overly ambitious and a jealous business man who is not afraid to bend the rules to show up his rival. Of course things get out of hand.

Did you touch my butt? I know you tricks.

Gwyneth Paltrow returns as the gracious and sorely tested Pepper Potts. I really feel for her having to deal with Stark, one tick there.  Also returning is Shield agent Coulson (Clark Gregg) who shows some teeth in this while still remaining calm and collected. Can anyone say bodies in the cellar? Finally a big surprise to me was cool Samuel L Jackson as Nick Fury who plays a large part in revealing some of Starks back story and role in the Avengers program (To be seen I’d say). Oh and lets not forget Scarlet Johansson as kick ass and sexy shield agent Natalie Rushman who is keeping an eye on Stark for Nick Fury. Dame you Ryan Reynolds, dam you all to hell.

Iron Man flows smoothly in most parts from scene to scene. They defiantly took the formula from the previous move and used it here. That’s not a bad thing at all. As I mentioned before the chemistry between characters is great and there are numerous comedic moments to keep everyone amused. The action rattles off at a fast pace and yes to the tunes of ACDC and other rock songs. For anyone wanting slow-mo “300” type moves then this isn’t  the action for you.


So the CGI and practical FX? Well I can’t say there was much wrong here. The FX were awesome as usual. Top notch. There was one point were Downey was acting drunk in his Iron man suit and the helmet looked kind of dumb but hey he was acting drunk too so what ever. There were explosions fights between Vanko and Iron Man, Iron Man vs War machine, Iron Man Vs War Machine and Drones, Iron Man vs Drones and Iron man and War Machine Vs Drones. What more could you want. Really.

I find it hard to say anything bad about Iron Man 2. It is defiantly on par with the original film, and sitting alone in the cinema on the weekend I walked out with a grin on my face. Oh yes. There is a happy ending. I give this an 8.5/10. Bring on number 3!

Raptor Clashes in his Pants

I remember watching Clash of the Titans as a kid and thinking this was one of the best monster movies ever. EVER God dam it! Hey why would we question the opinion of a 12year old. Anyway looking back the movie was a little flawed here and there and possibly held together by duct tape in parts but overall still pretty cool. So when I heard a new version of Clash of the Titans was coming out with Sam “Blue Alien” Worthington as the lead of Perseus I was just a little excited. I’d heard bad things about the 3D version of it so I decided to give that a miss and see it in 2D. That made me $10 happier. Don’t take my word for the 3D version as I have no idea…ah what the hell, I’ll voice my unfounded fact less opinion too, the 3D was craptacular! There I said it.  So what did I think of it and compared to the original? Read on….

Hey do you think saw us with our skirts down?

First off, the cast in this is great. You have Sam as stated who is always a commanding screen presence. He puts on his action boots here and goes for the throat. Two thumbs up. I heard he did a lot of his stunt work too which always helps the action shots. Next you have Liam Neeson as Zeus and Ralf Fiennes as his brother Hades. There’s some great acting right there. The story pretty much pivots on the two characters battle for dominance on the Olympian Gods and the mortals. Zeus feels betrayed by the mortals and wishes to teach them a lesson, Hades on the other hand wants to overthrow Zeus and make the humans his slaves. Caught in the struggle are Calibos (Jason Flemming) Perseuses father and the man who began the mortals war against the Gods and Io played by a cute Gemma Arterton, Who? I don’t know she was cute anyway. Io is a woman cursed with immortality for refusing to have rumpy pumpy sexy with a God. Go the bra burning! She pretty much helps and advises Perseus through his quest. Andromeda (Alexa Davalos) role is probably one of the biggest differences from the original movie. Where in the first she was the love interest and the driving force of Perseuses quest she is now just part and victim of the battle.

Oh uh hmmm, yes I see, yes. If we cut here here, lift here, stretch here I think we can make you a star. OH GOD! Your head fell off!

On it’s own the new Clash of the Titans makes a great action movie. There are battles and fights, monsters and stunts left right and centre. The CGI effects are good although the medusa was a little plastic in her facial features she was still pretty good. What this version of the movie did better than the original I thought was the concept of the group of Greek heroes gathering together to journey on an epic quest. Of course most don’t make it but that is part of it. Heroic, tragic and epic. They also included in the mix a Dijin named Sheikh Suleiman who was very cool.

Gemma Arterton likes Chocolate...I hope that's chocolate.

Where it lacked from the original was in depth of story. Where in the first we saw more of Andromeda’s plight, Caliboses back story and the bickering between the Gods, this has mostly been flushed out for a smoother ride. It’s not terrible as it does make the ride quicker but still you kind feel like you wanted a little more.

Halloz littlz peoplez

So overall I’d have to say I enjoyed the new version. It had good pace, lacking in some areas but a fun ride. I give it a 8/10.

Raptors Short Shorts:

Paranormal Activity:

I sat down to watch this in the dark and alone as instructed by Gavor. Congratulations, it creeped me out for the rest of the night. Stupid movie go bang now! The character of Micha annoyed the crap out of me. Here is Katie telling him that bad shits going to happen and it’s been happening to her all her life but no he decides to be a macho duchebag and “handle himself”...er it himself.  Anyway. Idiot.  When someone says we can get you a demonologist specialist to help you, you say yes thanks sir would you like me to bend over now. Anyway, still pretty good for the creepiness. 7/10.

7^th Moon:

This one was really lack lustre and by the books not to mention getting the car bogged twice to get the movie started and the guys in white makeup playing the ghosts were really kind of dumb. Amy Smart was in it, that’s kind good right? Well yeah but she needed more kit off. All that agree say “I”…good then. I give this one a 5/10.

Silent Hill (2006)

I don't know a single thing about Silent Hill the video game beyond the 10 minutes I played of #4 (The Room) and the 20 minutes I played of #2 (supposedly the best of the lot). To be fair, I played both on a PC and apparently the ports are as dodgy as your 15-year-old 486, so I always let it slide that both games sucked hard. I simply fucking hated them.

Flash forward to 2010 and I'm sitting at home in my best jodhpurs deliberating upon what to watch next when I notice a move called Silent Hill. The only reason I missed this on release was my antipathy toward the game series, or so I surmised because I can't remember it being released. Anyhoo, off I went into the video world of Silent Hill once more. And fuck, it was good.

I have no mouth yet I must scream. And shout. Let it all out.

See, there's this little girl who dreams of a place called Silent Hill and tries sleep walking off of cliffs. Naturally this worries her parents a little so the mother (Radha Mitchell) ...


...whisks her off to Silent Hill for some personal PI work. Here's some more of my PI work into Radha...



Anyway, moving along, they are chased by a cop, crash, and all three end up trapped in Silent Hill. The daughter goes missing after the crash and the story becomes one of searching, being hunted and seeing a bunch of pretty cool stuff. Except to the characters, to them that shit is pretty scary. There's guy with a pyramid for a head (funnily enough called pyramid head by SH fans) and a bunch of things that scuttle along the ground making a funny noise. It's better than I make it sound.

Eventually mum and the cop run into the remaining inhabitants of Silent Hill and it turns out they're remnants of the population, evacuated after a fire started in the coal mine beneath the town. Over the years they've gone batshit religious and like to hunt down and burn witches among other things. The scene where the key characters are pursued by pyramid head up to the church sanctuary and he skins one of the crazy churchies, is simply an awesome spectacle.

In the end the daughter is rescued but she's found to be the good side of a little girl possessed by a demon many years previous to the movie. The possessed little girl is now a grown woman, a warped and twisted cripple with scary powers of demonage. Seems the town people tried to burn her once and now she's really pissed off.

Welcome - come for the fog, stay for the crazy

In a hectic finale, the cop is burned alive (graphically), the demon possessed woman goes on a rampage of slaughter in the church (not graphically enough) and the woman plus her daughter escape. As a little aside to the main story, we also see the husband searching for both wife and daughter. He talks to people near Silent Hill and even visits with the local cops from a nearby town, but it's a totally different place. No fog, no monsters, no church. In the end he goes home empty-handed, as does his wife. But while he is in a normal house, she and the daughter are in a house filled with and surrounded by mist. Are they dead already? It's your call because the movie ends.

So I really liked Silent Hill, sure it was long and the acting was so-so, but the story was pretty good and the atmosphere appropriately eerie. Everything else such as effects, direction and scenery was above expectations also and in some cases pretty darn good. Silent Hill for me was like heading out to a bar for a few quiet drinks and coming home later wearing a different pair of pants and a sombrero. You thought it might be an ok time, but it turned out to be a ripper.

8.5/10

Raptor gets Ass Kicked

Well it’s been a few weeks since my last stellar post. I’ve been sick alright! You’re all so needy. Anyway now that I have recovered to some degree I’d like to tell you about the movie Kick Ass.

I think I farted in my suit

It start with the premise of why aren’t there more Superheroes in the world? Obviously anyone crazy guy could put on a cape and go do good. So based on this our inept hero Dave Lizewski (Aaron Johnson) puts on a wet suit, grabs some fighting sticks and Kick Ass goes and gets himself stabbed and run over…on his first day out. After some surgery that involved a lot of reinforcing his broken bones and left him partially numb to pain he tries again managing to fight off some thugs who are beating up on a guy. This gets captured on film and suddenly Kick Ass is a celebrity. In the mean time his mundane persona is befriended by the cute Katie (Lyndsy Fonesca) who feels sorry for him for being beat up because he is gay. Wait what? It’s ok he rolls with this in the hopes of getting some tail later on.

Hit Girl: One Scary little kid.

Meanwhile two real super heroes and in the middle of taking down crime boss Frank D’amico (Mark Strong from Stardust). Big Daddy (Nicholas Cage) and Hit Girl (Chloe Moretz) have been planning this since D’Amico framed Big Daddy in his cops days, sent him to prison and caused the death of his wife. Unfortunately D’Amico assumes that it’s Kick Ass who is taking out his men. This forces a team up between Big Daddy, Hit Girl and Kick Ass. Enter Frank D’Amicos son Chris (Played by the funny Christopher Mintz-Plasse) who plans to lure Kick Ass out into a trap masquerading as superhero Red Mist. From there everything goes crazy.

This movie grabbed my attention from the get go and the humour remains steady from the beginning to end. Now the violence. There is a tone of it and a lot of it coming from the psycho 11 year old Hit Girl. Man she is one scary little girl. The action is all grounded in reality, think of Batman style super heroes or maybe Punisher. No super powers as such but just 1337 skillz yo. Nicholas cage also goes off in one particular scene taking out a slew of bad guys which makes me almost forget the bad taste of Ghost Rider. Overall all the acting across the board is good and the script is tight with few dull moments at all.

The funny thing is that Kick Ass isn’t really the main Hero. He is the main character yes but as far as heroing is concerned he is really a Hero in training. So the movie is really a begging story such as Kick Ass Begins. It also means that Kick Ass is kind of relegated a lot to side kick. See what I did there. I also think there is going to be a few more chapters to this story too.

I give Kick ass an 8.5/10 for ass kicking super hero fun.

Raptor goes a little Gozu

You know Japanese make some really weird ass films. Not to say that the rest of the world isn’t capable but well theirs are all the weirder mainly because they are crazy Japanese.

This guy fails at applying sun screan

Gozu is a film directed by Takashi Miike the guy who did the Master of Horrors episode Imprint that caused a little controversy, I guess who just didn’t want to give up here.

Hello, my name is fred and when I'm at home I like to dance in my undies.

The story stars with two brothers, Minami and older brother Ozaki, who are part of a Yakuza gang. When Ozaki starts to go a little crazy by beating up Yakuza attack Chihuahuas, the head boss orders Minami to get rid of him at the Junkyard. So along the way Ozaki dies and Minami looses his body. So he begins a search to find his brother and comes across more weirdness like a guy with half the pigment missing from his face who gives him a hand or a hotel run by a brother and sister who can speak to the spirits. The Sister also has a tendency to “Milk” herself which seems to tie in with a cow headed daemon. The daemon during a possible dream gives him a letter that directs him back to the junkyard where he finds that his brother has been compacted and the proof is his flattened skin. It’s at this time a girl rocks up saying that she is his brother. He takes her back to the yakuza boss who tries get amorous with her. Oh did I mention the boss can only get it off by placing the handle of soup ladle up his butt? Well there you go. So Minami steps in and stops him with lets say some electrocution involving said soup ladle. Ouch. Finally it all ends with Minami and the girl having sex a hand coming out of her crotch and latching onto his penis and then the girl giving birth to his brother fully grown…yeah seems like she can stretch.

Wave to the cameras!

What can I say, this movie just drew me in mainly due to what the fuck factor, you know that thing where you brain doesn’t quite register what the hells going on but you still want to know what happens next. The acting was pretty good as far as I could tell. They were speaking Japanese. The effects were nothing spectacular although well done. The daemon cow scene was creepy and the birth scene well just ouch really, ouch. Don’t worry the girl was fine after it and they all walked off happy.

I give this a 7/10 mainly for the weirdness. Oh yes for the weirdness.

Some babies are a little late coming out but this is ridiculous.

Cloudy with a chance of meatballs

That's right, a cartoon. I mean an animated feature. A little detour from the horror, porn-like gore fests and adult comedies we normally deal with. So, why? What am I doing reviewing a kids movie? Does it have adult undertones, no. Does it have adult humor, not really. Does it have some cool animation, yes. Did it make me laugh a lot, yes. And that's why this movie is being reviewed - I often lament to myself that movies just don't make me laugh anymore. Quite often I see the humor and I'm amused, but not much makes me laugh out loud.  This did, several times.

Mustache...

Meatballs (as I will call it from now on) is a weird little movie carrying several little themes - friendship, family, achieving your dreams, being yourself. But mostly it's just funny. In a nutshell, the key character, Flint, invents a machine that can make food from water. While trying to draw electricity directly from the power station to make it work properly, the machine flies off into the sky and stays there like a little satellite. Soon after it rains hamburgers. To the people of the town, stuck eating sardines for years, this is mana from heaven - twice as tasty but just as farcical. Flint is ordered to make it rain food every day, for every meal, so the town can promote themselves as the new tourist mecca of gastronomy. Naturally it goes butt up and the machine begins making bigger and bigger food. So it's up to Flint and his friends to fly into a food storm and save the world.

I have the voice of Mr T. Game over.

It's a movie of two distinct halves. The very amusing and entertaining first half, and the more action oriented second half. The first half is by far the more entertaining, which isn't to say the conclusion was bad...it just lost a little steam and went down the traditional 'man vs mutated foods' path. Of particular note in the humor department are the monkey (who loves mustaches), Flint, and his father - for whom everything is a fishing metaphor.

Flint and father...testing a new invention. Hair un-balder I think it was.

So that's my review. I watched this with my 2 year old and it made for a delightful distraction from disembowelments, gun shot wounds and bare breasts. We had a great time and I wager you will too.

8.5/10

A spaghetti twister. Tasty and deadly all at once.

ps. It has the voice talents of Bruce Campbell AND Mr T. That's right. So go watch it.

pps I also watched Up recently. It was good, but not as good as this movie.

A tasty serve of movie with entertainment sauce

Raptor looks at Sin in the City

I’m a big fan of Robert Rodriguez and Frank Miller. I remember when I heard this was in the works I was pretty excited. Just this week I watched it again and bam it’s still as cool as a glacier in a shot glass.

Rodriguez took Frank Millers graphic novels and literally transferred them to the big screen in a stylised, black and white and almost panel for panel in some instances. It’s beautifully rendered with splashes of colour that are used as highlights and focus points. It doesn’t skimp on the violence either with stabbings, shootings, severed heads and dismemberments.

Yes black and white makes us look cooler

The story is really 3.5 stories rolled into one. It starts with short story of “The customer is always right”, blink and you’ll miss it. We then get the first part of “That yellow bastard” about a hard boiled cop Harington (great job by Bruce Willis) who is tracking down a little girl who was kidnapped by raping paedophile/murder days before his retirement due to a heart condition.  Having cornered the perk Junior on a pier finds out he’s the son of some Big Wig and his parter steps in to try and stop him and cover up the fact. Harington takes care of his partner and puts a few bullets into Juniors crotch and hand for good measure. The next story “The Hard Goodbye” has Mickey Rourke who is almost unrecognisable as Marv a thug of a man who is framed for the murder of Goldie the one person who had ever shown him some compassion. So he begins a violent investigation that eventually leads to the Cardinal Roark (Rutger Hauer) who is hiding his secret, a cannibalistic killer Kevin played by unnervingly by Elijah Wood who feeds on the prostitutes of the city.

The red makes Jamie Kings boobies look perkier

We then move to the third story “The Big Fat Kill”. Tough guy Dwight (Clive Owen) gets involved with Jackie Boy (Benicio del Toro) and with Gail (Rosario Dawson) leader of the Old Town Prostitutes kill him and find out too late he is a cap. Trying to hide the body the wraith of the law descends upon them and they desperately try to figure a way out. The last story “That Yellow Bastard” Picks up from the second story 8 years later where we see Harington discovers that Nancy is now a 19yr old stripper (yes she is Jessica Alba and she is hoooot). Too late he finds out that Junior, who now looks like a yellow fatso has been following him to track down Nancy. Then he has to protect her and possibly with his life.

I want to be Jessica Albas horse

So there, those are the stories and the as you can see from above there is a really strong cast and they give a great performance. I loved the hard boiled pulp detective novels dialogue and the tongue and sarcastic humour peppered through out this. The stories link together seamlessly, with characters from earlier parts appearing in later ones or mentioned in some way which creates an overall continuity.

You'd better be paying me triple for this!

Some of the action and violence could be a little over the top, reality really is not grounded here and as much as I did love the dialogue a few times I even rolled my eyes but that was rarely.

In the end I just dug the style and flat out coolness of this movie. I give it an 8.5/10 with a bullet in the eye.