Martyrs (2008)

For some reason I hesitate to watch movies described as dark, depraved and cruel. I guess I know subconsciously that depravity isn't my thing. It therefore took a few days after getting it to finally watch Martyrs - a movie either praised quite vaguely and held up for it's surprising ending, or reviled for being pointlessly sick and hard to watch. I'd like to forward another review, but first some plot.

A young girl, Lucie, is running away from something and obviously something unpleasant judging by the state of her - bruised, bloody and terrified. Lucie has been tortured and locked away for reasons unknown and this is shown through little flashbacks as the movie progresses. While in an orphanage she's befriended by Anna and this friendship continues when the movie flashes 15 years into the future. Lucie is now crazy as a loon and guns down a family as they sit eating breakfast, claiming these are the people who held and tortured her all those years ago. This is also the point where a decent movie could have become a great thriller and instead...well...goes in a different direction. In a nutshell, Anna turns up to help bury the bodies and Lucie is tormented by a demon who cuts and beats her - a demon Lucie had been tormented by since childhood and thought she would purge by killing her tormentors.

Not this phylum of demon, unfortunately

So that's a pretty good start. Lucie is obviously crazy, and not the disco crazy everyone loves, oh no, she's imaginary demon crazy. Homicide crazy. Cutting yourself crazy. It's pretty obvious the demon is in her head and the cutting/beating thing is self-inflicted. Although obvious, I thought that was a good idea and had to wait until later in the movie before I was 100% sure. Anna on the other hand isn't so sure that Lucie is right about these people being monsters, in fact she isn't sure Lucie was even tortured. As a viewer I was left pondering whether the whole thing was a construct in Lucie's mind - perhaps she was abused as a child and built a fantasy over the years then latched onto a couple who superficially resembled the people she remembered from childhood and used them for revenge to 'purge her demons'. Oh, if only the movie had gone that way this would have been something worth watching.

A note on the gore and torture. It's pretty mild. I expected everything laid bare, no punches pulled, right in your face gore and horror. Nope. A lot was done off camera or obscured by something else. Horrific stuff was glimpsed or filmed from an extreme angle to mask what was being shown. Only twice did I wince a little, and that was Lucie cutting herself. It wasn't extreme, I just don't like scenes of people openly cutting themselves. The torture at the end, though overly long and unpleasant, wasn't hardcore or graphic. Just pointless. Perhaps when the girl is skinned you could make a claim for extreme, if muscles and a little blood freaks you out. I've seen worse, a lot worse..and I don't even watch movies like Hostel or Saw.


So, what really happens in the second act is weird and disappointing. Lucie kills herself. Anna finds a torture chamber under the house. A bunch of people rock up and talk about martyrs and creating martyrs so they can gather information about the afterlife. Apparently extreme torture can make someone a martyr and push them into glimpsing the afterlife. Or something. Obviously this is bad news for Anna and her hope of a full and rich life. Which I'm sure she'd have lived after 15 years with crazy Lucie and witnessing a bunch of gruesome murders.

The future of virtual reality isn't quite what they promised

The bad guys go on to torture the fuck out of her, which we get to watch for 20 minutes or more, then skin her. The skinning works a treat though and Anna apparently sees the afterlife. A gathering of people participating in the program (mostly rich older people, because rich old people have lots of time for crazy) is called at the house to have Anna's words related to them by the old woman who heard her testimony. The old woman kills herself instead so I guess Anna told her they don't have chocolate eclairs in the afterlife. The end.

But they do have trifle in the afterlife. Lots and lots of trifle.

Martyrs, therefore, was not a very good movie. The first half had potential but the rest was unpleasant claptrap. I can only assume that the people who describe it as extreme are more familiar with the works of Disney and those who praised the ending are under the age of 16. Or have received a large blow to the head recently.

Now you're ready to watch Martyrs, here's your ticket

3/10

Summary: Martyrs is shithouse, don't believe the hype.

Movie round-up #3

Today I bring a movie round-up of the many average flicks I've endured (plus a couple of ok ones) over the last month. I accept your thanks in advance for sifting through the junk and saving you the time wasted viewing some of the rubbish below. 

The Box

Another mediocre effort from the guy who gave us Donnie Darko. The Box puts to us the premise that a young couple is delivered a box with a big red button on it and pressing the button will grant them 1 millions dollars. Great you say, but of course there's a catch. Pressing the button gives them 1 million dollars but also kills someone they don't know. In the end, it's all a big test by aliens (of course) to see whether the human race is worth saving or if we're all greedy little fucks. Suffice to say that everyone seems to press the button. The other catch is that the unknown person who dies is the last person to have pressed the button, so you get your million but you're pretty much guaranteed to die soon anyway. There's a bit more too it and I thought that at least the end was logical, but otherwise The Box is average. Starring Cameron Diaz and some guy.

5/10





Fire in the sky

A bunch of hicks head out to chop wood and run into a spaceship. Probably more interesting if you're into fairies and UFOs, but I'm not. Based upon the ravings of a real person whose story about alien abduction has been pretty much debunked over the years. Amusing but ultimately not worth the time unless you're short a few dozen IQ. The bit on the alien ship is well done and by far the most entertaining. Starring the terminator who could turn into liquid metal.

5/10

 



The Mothman Prophecies

Apologies in advance, I watched this movie late at night so some details are fuzzy. Richard Gere stars as a guy who, years after his wife's death, starts experiencing odd things. He goes for a drive one night and somehow ends up many hundreds of kilometers away in a different state. Like with teleportation and shit, or something. Anyhow, that's not important. The town he ends up in has experienced many weird things. A 'Mothman' appears to some people and gives warnings of future happenings to others. Gere's wife appears to communicate with him, I think. There's also a premonition of something to do with a river and many deaths. In the end a bridge collapses but through his choices and actions, a youngish female cop whom he flirted with throughout the movie doesn't drown. The end. I kind of liked this movie, it was well made and just a touch creepy. I expected more scary based on the reviews I'd read but it will probably depend on your fear tolerance.

7/10





Battle Royale

A bunch of Japanese schoolkids are put on an island with random weapons and commanded to kill one another. The last survivor will be released, but if there is no result after a specified time frame they will all die when the collars they wear explode. This movie explores what depths people will sink too when fighting for survival and how the dictums of law and society are sometimes the only things keeping certain people fro doing as they please - in the case killing all the people they dislike. There's a decent ending and some good characterisation here, though the ending is overly drawn out. Battle Royale gets a thumbs up as well.

6/10



The 4th kind

Junk. An interesting premise but laughingly put together. Another movie based on the 'real-life' accounts of a few crackpots. Not at all believable and even worse, it's presented as an actual documentary - 'real' footage and recordings interspersed with reenactments, sometimes side by side in split screen for reasons that can only be 'arty'. The fourth kind title comes from their being different levels of alien contact as specified by the FBI (or was it CIA), from first kind to fourth kind. The movie Close Encounters of the Third Kind uses the same designations. 'Starring' Milla Jovovich.

3/10

The Book of Eli (2010)

In post nuclear America, half a generation has passed since the disaster and only the dwindling numbers of 'old-timers' recall life before the bombs dropped. One of these old-timers is Eli, a man with superlative combat and survival skills wandering the wastes (Denzel Washington). In his possession is a book, a book he reads every day and that he vows to transport somewhere. Somewhere a little vague and apparently inspired by God. Along the way he runs into a tin pot dictator, played by Gary Oldman, who wants the book for himself because it will grant him power over people with the power of  its words. Kind of scary. And yes, it's the bible. The last bible in existence actually after people went crazy and blamed all religions for the apocalypse - and rightfully so I imagine. So, in a nutshell, Eli claims a mandate from God to save the book that caused all the trouble in the first place.

On the evil side, Gary Oldman is the old-timer who understands religion's power to control people, and therefore represents the fundamental truth that no matter the best intentions of religious folk, there is an abundance of people out there ready to use religion for their own gain. The plot therefore sent mixed messages and annoyed the hell out of me. Meanwhile, the rest of the world no longer has religion and the people live tough, brutish lives. I'm pretty sure this was intentional. The unenlightened had few morals and some were on the way toward to bestial lives governed by pillage, rape and drunkenness.  Interpret that was you will.

In the end it boils down to this; Oldman gets his hands on the book after shooting Washington in the stomach - though this is after Washington kills pretty much all of Oldman's private thug army. Washington is then saved by a female hanger-on whose role in the film probably read 'look pretty, rescue Washington'. Oldman then discovers the bible is in Braille and so we're led to believe that Washington's character, Eli, was blind. Or at least I think we are, it's quite confusing. He acts like a man who can see most of the time (such as when he's looking over a cliff edge and watches a couple being attacked and raped by members of Oldman's gang), but the big finale with the braille bible thing seems to suggest he is blind. Personally, I don't think he was. If I'm wrong they handled it incredibly badly so it made no sense, added nothing spectacular to the ending and generally brought the overall tone of the movie down. 

Meanwhile in Japan, a new breed of superhero emerged to save the people of earth...

Oldman of course cannot read the bible and then dies. Washington escapes to Alcatraz with his young poontang and then dictates the entire bible to Malcolm McDowell, the leader of an institution dedicated to collecting what they can from the ruins and kick-starting all of civilisation again. Naturally, only the Americans can achieve this. Washington then dies and the poontang wanders off to do fuck knows what. By this time I'd lost interest in the quasi-religious bunkum and prepubescent philosophy, so I kind of didn't watch the last 10 minutes properly. The institute then prints the bible according to Eli whereupon they take it to a book full of books and put it on a shelf with a bunch of other religious texts. A fitting place for it really, just one book among many.

I'm not sure if my feelings for the movie came across in that little synopsis so let me state it clearly - this movie was rubbish. Denzel Washington as Eli gave a passable performance, especially in the first 30 or so minutes when we see him journey across the wastes alone. Everyone else was average to mediocre, though the cookie cutter characters must have made life difficult for them. After that initial 30 minutes of interest the rest of the movie was as stated above, religious and pseudo-philosophical. Some people died, a book was sought and pretty much all the main characters died. A great set up and well constructed visuals, wasted on a muddled story so full of holes it leaked the credibility right out by the 60 minute mark.

I'll give this one two scores; 2/10 if Eli is blind, otherwise 4/10. At the least the beginning was entertaining.

Raptors thrown up an Alien Uprising

Every now and then you pick a movie that you end up regretting like a cheap $5 hooker from the night before. Alien Uprising was probably that Hooker. At least it didn’t have teeth.

Beware DVDs bearing pretty cover pictures

I sat down to watch it with some hopes of maybe a Sci-Fi channel grade movie. You know, okish but with chances of rain. The first 10mins of Alien Uprising were really good. The crew was waking up from hibernation a space ship. We find out they are marines. Ok maybe this won’t be another movie trying to be Aliens. Nope, no such luck.  The marines need to go to a prison planet to quell an prisoner uprising and find out that they have been using the prisoners in alien hybridization experiments the result of which is terrorising the prison populace. “Wait, Wait, wait Raptor” I hear you say “that doesn’t sound all bad, It can be saved can’t it” Yeah sure. Throw a decent script at it and maybe at least half a mil in green backs then sure. Unfortunately it turns out that this movie is trying to be Aliens,  complete with a crappy alien which is a guy in a Halloween mask as far as I can tell, marines acting all marines and a backstabbing corporation guy who yes eventually get’s killed by the hybrid.

What about the acting? Well some of the mains were passable. Rebecca Kush who played Lt. Louise Dun was reasonably good as were two of the prisoners who I can’t remember the names of (scientist guy and the African American). Unfortunately the rest of the cast sucked 5 day old ass that has been sitting in vomit basted with crap. I mean at one point we had a shuttle leaving in a desperate escape from the prison of stupid and 4/5 of the escapes were shaking with the G-forces of the escape. The 5^th person, some female marine was staring blankly ahead as if she was bored or maybe was watching a day time soap. What’s more is they kept cutting back to her. Really? Why?! For god sake why? Or for example at the end were the corporate guy is about to get killed by the alien he screams out Nooooooooo. Then there is this long pause and….guess what? He does it again. Che? Why? Edit that out. You don’t need that.

Finally the CGI/FX. Boy these were woeful. At the start they show the ship approaching the planet. Not bad. Looks okaish, nothing special. Then obviously there $200 dollar shoe box budget ran out and all the ships, base and position of the cast were shown on wire frame models. This maybe was an attempt at retro cool.  Well it was done badly so it failed and took you out of the movie more often than not.

My advice, if you can’t afford to do a sci-fi or even get a decent script, then don’t. It’s not brain surgery.  I have seen some Starwars fan movies better than this and I’m pretty sure they don’t have a huge budget either.

So at the ass end of this review I’m giving Alien Uprising a 3/10. No boobies for me.

The Orphanage

Remember when The Phantom Menace came out and everyone who'd seen a preview or a snippet of it before release would crow about the brilliance? Remember how you felt after the credits started to roll and the lights came back on? For me, that was The Orphanage.

Touted all over the internet as the most frightening and thought-provoking horror film in years with superlatives such as 'terrifying', 'edge of my seat', 'mesmorising' and 'unforgettable' being thrown around, I would like to put forward another view. First with the adjectives (and other); 'boring', 'on-trick pony', 'slow', 'predictable' and 'over written'. Now for the explanation.

The Orphanage was a fair bit of story to it. A young girl grows up in an orphanage until one day a family is ready to adopt her. She sadly leaves her friends behind... and now jump forward to the present-day. The little girl is now a woman, the orphanage has closed down for being too cliche and the woman has somehow talked her husband into buying the old building so they can set up a half way house for sick children. If that isn't a recipe for disaster I simply don't know what is.

The woman has a child of her own now, though we learn he's adopted, and the movie shows them moving in and how happy they are. Later, the little boy makes imaginary friends (I think he had other imaginary friends already) with another boy. This other boy is a ghost, apparently. So some stuff happens, a crazy old lady character shows up and the try-outs for position of sick children are held at the house. On the day of the trials, the woman argues with her little boy because this is such an important day and he is wasting her time as he wants to show her something exciting. She hits him. He runs away. This, and the 'proper' ending make up all that is good in the movie, while everything else is slow and boring. The argument, slap across the face and the 'ending' (trust me, i'll explain in a minute why I keep saying 'proper ending') are heart wrenching moments if you have kids of your own, if only they stuck with that storyline this movie would have been worth watching.

I digress. They boy ultimately goes missing and the rest of the movie is about the parents searching for him. The day he goes missing the woman sees a 'ghost' and that night she hears noises in the walls - banging and thumping. Over time various theories are put forward; they think he might have drowned in the ocean or been kidnapped by the crazy lady. Months pass. Nothing. They boy has simply disappeared.

There's a subplot where it turns out the crazy lady was a worker at the orphanage and one of the children was her son. He wore a mask to cover his deformed face and this led to him being left out and laughed at by the other children. One day, after the woman had left the orphanage, her friends lured him down to the beach and he drowned. The mother found out and later poisoned all the children, then ran away. Back in the present-day, the woman finds their cremated bodies in a shed. It's a bit tacked on and only there to offer support for the 'crap ending' and add more ghostiness overall.

Eventually the woman goes a bit crazy, her husband moves out and she plays a game with the ghosts. The ghosts provide her with clues to find something and if she finds it she also finds the next clue. This will lead to her son of course (though the logic of her coming to this conclusion is vague) and after some dicking about, it does. I consider the next 10 minutes the proper ending. What she finds is a secret door in the broom closet and this door leads down to a hidden basement, a basement set up as a childs bedroom. In fact it was the bedroom of the deformed kid  back in the days of the orphanage, and also the exciting thing her son had found and so desperately wanted to show her until she slapped him.

After slapping her son she left the room in a huff and he ran away to sulk in the secret room he'd discovered. Unfortunately, the mother took a bunch of metal poles and shoved them into the broom closet, thereby blocking his means of getting out again. The noises and banging she heard that night, the ones that so frightened her, were the sounds of him crying out while trying to escape.

When she first arrives in the basement it's a vision, the room looks clean and light and she finds her son asleep under a blanket. After a heart warming moment the vision is gone and she's holding an empty blanket. She turns to see the room is now gloomy and dusty, the staircase broken (one of the loud bangs that night her son went missing) and on the floor, a withered corpse. Her son. While trying to escape, the stairs broke and he fell to his death. It's a moving moment and if the credits had rolled, i'd give this movie an 8. Instead it goes on and fucks the whole thing up.

Now mentally disturbed, she kills herself by taking sleeping tablets. While dying, the ghosts of her childhood friends all come to life in a vision and then her son comes back to her (his dried up remains reanimate in her arms). Great. No, I meant rubbish. In the end her husband stands at their graves for a moment then walks away a broken man. The end. I hated it.

So, apologies for the long explanation, but I felt this movie COULD be made into a good thing by cutting a bunch of crap, integrating the 'crazy lady and her deformed son' subplot better, showing the ghosts as figments of the woman's imagination and fixing the ending as I explained above. Just hit Stop when you get to the dead son and I guarantee you'll walk away happier. Well, maybe not happy but at least with a feeling of fulfillment instead of the disappointment I got.

Another great example of not believing the hype.

4/10 - So disappointing I'm not even adding pictures. Oh ok, maybe just one.

"I've managed to show the lead actress, cleavage, wet dress and a shot from the movie all in one. Bravo me

Late night double feature: Session 9 and The Grudge

Recently I was retrenched from my job of almost 3 years, and it really sucks. Blah blah blah etc etc. The crux of it is that I've lost a bit of motivation lately so I find myself sitting up drinking beer and watching movies/reading books long after I should have gone to bed. Bad for my youthful looks, good for this review site. Last night I had a late one which included watching football then going on to view a couple of movies I'd read were unsung horror classics of the 2000s.

Note: If you're about to scroll down looking for breasty pictures, please be aware in that neither of these movies included nudity or sex. They've been marked down accordingly.

 Session 9

Imagine a world where all horror movies included David Caruso as a lead actor. A lot of intensity, looking out of windows at nothing in particular and wearing sunglasses even after sunset. He'd have to be the softly spoken character with a nerve of steel and murky past. Why does he sleep in that van? Did kids at his school call him Bluey? What's with the implied but overlooked drug use plot line?

But I digress right from the start. Session 9 is actually a thriller set in an abandoned insane asylum and so named for a series of tapes found by one of the characters. Each of these tapes contains the recording of a doctor and former patient as they discuss her irrelevant mental condition and past crimes. The tapes are labelled sessions 1 to 9, with 9 being the ultimate reveal of her naughtiness. Session 9.  She's kind of crazy on the tapes with 3 seperate personalities that each take turns talking to the doctor. The princess represents innnocence, Billy is her protector and there's a third personality that embodies murderous rage. He only pops up on tape 9, surprise!  This whole plot line, beside giving the movie it's name, felt detached from the rest of the movie. It also failed to be creepy. In hindsight I'd have cut the whole she-bang and renamed this flick 'No-boob Asylum Movie'.

The other portion of the movie follows an asbestos cleanup crew as they push to get the asylum tidied up and ready for redevelopment. The crew is made up of David Caruso, a tired looking irish guy who doesn't drink or hit anyone randomly(initially), a young kid with a mullet, some hick character who stole Caruso's girlfriend and a smart guy who should be a lawyer but instead opted to clean up asbestos. Er, sure. I have a computer science degree but I'd rather clean sewers. If you can swallow that bullshit you're sure to love this movie.

In a nutshell, these characters are all shit. They have vague motivations, weak emotional responses and wander around doing random shit throughout the movie. The irish guy hit his wife when she spilled water on him, the hick finds treasure in the incinerator, the smart guy discovers those tapes, the kid likes loud music but is afraid of the dark and so on. As the movie slowly bores you to death it's portrayed as a supernatural flick - in that weird stuff happens, lights go off, sounds are heard and theres a scary chair upstairs.

Sweet baby Jesus! Make it stop!

The hick dude eventually goes to the asylum at night to collect his treasure and while there runs afoul of some one or some thing. Later in the movie he reappears but has lost the ability to form coherant sentences. He dissapears again and only the kid has seen him. Is he a ghost? I really didn't care. This sort of thing goes on for another half hour. Scary bits, people looking out windows, the irish guy gets angry. There's a brief moment where we suspect Caruso of being the bad guy but right at the end it turns out the irish guy actually killed his wife and baby when she spilled that hot water on him. This scene is showed over and over again in the course of the movie, each time slightly different to the last with the ultimate scene being him stabbing her and the kid to death. Nice guy. He then goes on to kill everyone else and the movie ends.

While not really a horror movie, Session 9 tries to present itself as one by having an asylum, scary (or not) tape recordings of a crazy person, people acting strangely and characters that might or might not be ghosts. In the end the tapes mean nothing, the ghost guy has just been lobotimised with an ice pick (for some reason) by Mr Irish, and all the weird behaviour can be attributed to the fuckwittedness of the characters. This movie was vapid and un-entertaining. The plot was fatuous. The dialogue didn't use as many important sounding words as I just did. In short, Session 9 will scare you right to sleep.

4/10

The Grudge

The Grudge is a remake of the well regarded Japanese horror movie, The Grudge. This movie is told piecemeal from the viewpoint of several characters, starting from pretty much the present day and going back into the past to show other characters.

In the beginning a young girl cares for an invalid woman until something in the attic kills her. This something is basically a pale woman with dark hair that covers most of her face, the emo ghost as I called it. The only thing I found scary was the prospect of her music and clothes taking the world by storm and making us all look like total wankers. The story rolls on. Some young thing, played by Buffy the vampire slayer, takes over the case of  the old lady and quickly experiences the naughty old emo ghost - and her son whom I'll only mention one more time in passing due to his complete irrelevance.

Just as a brief aside, I never understood what the attraction of Buffy was until I saw this movie. Sarah Michelle Gellar is pretty hot in a way I'm unable to describe; in the first scene my initial thought was 'look at her nose!', but that quickly devolved into an appreciation of other things. Is it the body, the emotive acting, nose envy? I don't know.

What follows is a showing of some past events. Another couple, business type man and his horse-faced wife, move into the house with his mother, the demented old lady. They're both killed in short order, leaving the old crone alone and in need of someone to help her. Business guy's sister is then killed off in her apartment after escaping from emo ghost in an office building. I'd like to say this was relevant or creepy but it was more like something a 6 year old is scared of and had no bearing on the story whatsoever.

Finally we come to the reason for the hauntings and murder (do ghosts commit murder?). Turns out emo ghost was once a flesh and blood woman married to some guy. Emo woman had an obsession with her old university professor and wrote him letter after letter outlining the depths of her stalker-ness. Jelly and rubber rockets were involved I believe. So anyway, the husband guy finds her obsession diary and goes crazy; killing emo lady, their son and even the cat. I'd like to mention the cat is killed in their bathroom, please insert wet pussy joke here. Husband hangs himself and this whole story is kicked off. Unfortunately. As an aside, professor guy comes by and sees the bodies then throws himself off a building. Professor guy was Bill Pullman so this can be viewed as a 'good thing'.

Back in the present, Buffy rushes to the house to save her doe eyed boyfriend - only to fail horribly and start a fire that burns his body along with the ghost. Oh wait, no she doesn't. The firemen come along and put the fire out, so emo ghost is free to kill and kill again. Movie ends with the ghost standing behind Buffy, probably on the cusp of making a cutting remark. Cut to credits. Get it - cutting, emo? No? Ok, roll score.

4/10 - The Grudge is not a frightening film, nor is it an interesting film. It falls onto the heap that includes overrated crap like The Ring and Session 9, medicore movies that do nothing new and throw up 'scares' not fit for anyone over the age of 6. I've seen scarier episodes of Land Before Time. Littlefoot, watch out for the sharptooth! SNAP! Er, TV off now kids.

I'm really sad because the music told me to be!

These guys are happy because they haven't wasted their night watching two shitty movies. Lucky bastards.

Gutterballs

Purile, pathetic, poorly performed, pointless, ponderous garbage.This movie and everyone involved in it can go fuck themselves for wasting my night.

0/10

Raptor throws up on Feast 3

What the fuck! I could end the review on that. Just What the Fuck!! Lets add some more exclamation marks too !!!!!. Now before I begin lets talk about the first Feast movie directed by Mike Tristano. I loved this movie. It was original, clever and funny and while it slapped the audience in the face at times it didn’t take them for granted. Great movie. Well done….so back to Feast 3: The happy Finish. What the Fuck!

I guess she saw the movie

I hated this movie. I rarely say that but I just walked away from this thinking this was the worst pile of dog crap that ever crept out of some mangy bitch with piles. I didn’t care about the main characters and when someone rocked up that you though hey, this may go somewhere, they get killed…again…and again….aaaaand again. “But” I hear you say, “that’s the point of the movie, it goes against type”. The point is it has no point? Are you kidding me? My two year old nephew could write a script better than this. And then there is the ending….let me just say What the Fuck! The few saving graces were some nudity and some funny gore gags and FX. That’s about it.

 This movie was a whole excuse for the writers being unable to come up with anything intelligible. Let’s just say that Feast 3 left me unsatisfied and calling for some Pepto-Bismol for a case of A grade heart burn. 2/10.

Night of the Demons

I'm going to kick this off with two movies: one that is occasionally called a classic by those who don't get out much, and another that will probably become a bit of a classic...to people who don't get out much. Let's start with the older one - Night of the Demons.

To give you an indication of how much I enjoyed this movie let's just say I watched it in two parts (partly because of how much I liked it and partly because my 18 month old woke up).

Summing up in three words I would describe the movie as 'really, really boring'. Another three words that accurately reflect the movie are 'piece of shit'. I expected gore, demons and nudity; what I saw was a bunch of teenagers wandering aimlessly for 90 minutes spouting generic dialogue, intercut with demons standing still baring their teeth. One would expect a certain amount of demonic showboating, but these guys always stood still for the exact amount of time required that the protagonist could get the screaming over with and hightail it out of there. Every now and then a mediocre death was thrown in. Some nudity happened also. That's my review.

Night of the Demons is a solid 1/10 for being made, 4 bonus points for breasts and some flange, minus 2 for boring the shit out of me.

3/10 - Crap 80s horror with few redeeming features