Raptor Takes a Peak into the 8th Dimension

I do like 80s Sci-fi movies. Mainly for the fact that they were still quite eccentric and hadn’t conformed quite to what we perceive as your typical sci-fi today and the fact that the fashion sucked so hilariously! What movie embodies 80s Sci-fi in your mind? Blade runner? No too good. The Thing? More horror really. Battle Beyond the Stars? Oh yeah, now we are getting somewhere but what I’m talking about it is The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension. This has it all, 80’s hair styles, 80’s cloths a who’s who of 80s actors and let’s not forget 80s sensibilities like every hero is in a band. Hey it was acceptable in the 80s.

Anyone wanna rockout with your cock out?..ok no then.

Buckaroo starts off with a great little voice over about how Buckaroo, our hero played by Robocops’ Peter Weller, grew up with a Japanese Scientist Professor Hikita (Robert Ito). It reminded me of a narrative to a documentary about the great American pioneers poetic and matter-of-fact. We then are introduced to the adult Buckaroo who is now a Scientist/Brain Surgeon/Test pilot/Rock Star and adventurer. Wow, women want him and men want to be him. His band, the Hong Kong Cavaliers, are all scientist and adventurers themselves as well as being musicians. With Hikita, Bukaroo has developed a device that allows him to pass through the 8^th dimension….with a car and through solid objects. When they do this they discover rebel aliens locked away by these Jamaican like aliens. They give the Earth an ultimatum, stop the Rebels from escaping or they blow the planet up. What’s a Scientist/Brain Surgeon/Test pilot/Rock Star/Adventure to do but save the world.

Actually I admit, this is a cool shot.

Bukaroos’ cast is really quite large and include Jeff Goldblum (the Fly), John Lithgow as crazy scientist, Clany Brown the bad Highlander from Highlander, Christopher Loyd (Back to the Future) and Ellen Barkin as Penny, Bukaroos’ love interest. You’d probably notice a smattering of other faces that you’ll recognize too. All of them play this for fun and there isn’t a mean bone in the script at all. There are typical 80s scenes like the band getting all rock star and singing and did I mention he knows the America President? Yeah who knew.

I know what your thinking you dirty Fly boy

The SFX are not too bad, we get bug eyed aliens, weird organic ships and little poisonous spider bullets but l some of it is also pretty “oh deary me” too like the trip into the 8^th dimension or the protective masks they put on at one point (think chipped mirrored masquerade ball). You can’t blame them really, I’m sure all the kids were doing back then.

Unfortunately I’m sad to report there was no nudity what so ever in this movie. Alas we see no Ellen Barkin bits but she does so some nice leg action, phwaar. Overall I did like the movie and good natured attitude. I give this one a 6.5/10.

Big Trouble for Raptor

Today I will be reviewing one of my favourite films and a classic, yeah that’s right a classic, forget you Gone with the Wind, out your ass King and I this is Raptors classic and that one is Big Trouble in Little China. Queue synthesiser music.

Is someone here is a little under dressed?

This movie was directed by John Carpenter and has his signature all over it. From the now iconic synthesiser music that he is noted for to the creatures and goolies he has peppered through out this. Hi direction is spot on and considering it’s a side step from his usual horror fair it is a pretty impressive effort. The pacing ticks along nicely and the editing keeps it all tied together which could have easily caused this to fall apart or get bogged down with all the Chinese mysticism, legends and folk lore. This was kept to a minimum and mainly for comedic effect. The dialogue is snappy and the acting is good.

Feel my gaze of shiny!

Now past all that the real star her is Kurt Russel as Jack Burton. In my book there are only two rolls that Kurt Russel will ever need to play, one is Snake Plisskin from Escape from New York the other is Jack Burton. Who? “Jack Burton, me”. Kurt Russel turned this truck drive from ho-hum to a wise cracking, ego inflated hero who is just in the wrong place at the wrong time but now he’s going to get the job done. His character spews’ quotable lines like it’s going out of fashion such as the great opening monologue “have ya paid your dues?” The repour between Kurt Russel and Dennis Duns who plays Wang Chi is perfect. Wang Chi is Jacks friend and the guy who manages to rope him into all the trouble he just wants to avoid. The romantic interest, Gracey Law played by Kim Cattrall. A feisty and no mucking about lawyer out for the greater good and also trouble with a capital T! Now who is the bad guy in this? Lo Pan!...wait let’s add some more of them exclamation marks for good effect Lo Pan!!!!! Acted out with devilish flair by James Hong. Lo Pan is an evil sorcerer cursed by an Emperor and demon to live in undeath until he can find a girl with green eyes to appease him and the demon. Lo Pans nemesis is Egg Shen (Victor Wong), he knows everything there is to know about Lo Pan and has been trying to thwart his evil plans from the get go…or at least as long as he has know about him.

I think the white guy farted.

The story starts with Jack meeting up with Wang in San Francisco and after a card game gone wrong heads over to pick up Wangs’ fiancé. When she is kidnapped at the airport they wind up in an alley with him in his truck amidst a turf war between two rival Chinese gangs. Soon it all get’s weird and Lo Pans minions turn up, The Three storms, Thunder, Wind (must not make fart jokes) and lightning then finally Lo Pan himself. Jacks truck is stolen and it’s up to him and Co. to get the truck and girl back while shaking the pillars of heaven.

The SFX while still pretty good, are a little dated but that’s a minor point, there is no nudity (boo) and no gory effects or anything like that and in this case who needs them. This movie is fun, filled with hokey action, memorable characters and a great watch for anyone who is looking some martial arts, monster and bang kapow adventure. I give this one an 8.5/10

Raptor Goes out the Gate

Today I’m going to be reviewing the classic 80s horror film The Gare. Before I start a warning: There is NO NUDITY in this movie….Now I will wait a little bit while all the people who suddenly yelled, “WTF Dude! No boobies. Screw you and your little Gavor too” and walked away. Done? Good. Let’s begin.

Wooo glowy eyes

The Gate revolves around Glen, played by a really young Stephen Dorff, a 12 year old kid living in your average American Suburban family with his sister, parent and dog. When his friend Terrance (Louise Tripp) comes over one day with a Heavy Metal album from a band who was heavily into demonology they accidentally open a gate….INTO HELL!! Yes that’s right INTO HELL! Caps and all. Soon evil things begin to happen and their dreams and nightmares begin to become reality and eventually the demons come through starting with the small minions and then the big daddy demon. So now while the parents are out of town Glen, Terrance and his sister Al need to close the gate and so shutting out the demons from this world.

This really is a fun film. The performances are pretty good and a little 80s cheesy but overall the dialogue hasn’t dated to badly. Stephen Dorff was a fine little actor back then too it seems. Who’d ever realise he’s grow up to be…um in films…ok not so many lately but still.

When did they clone Michael Jackson?

Now the fun part, the demons. The SFX on make these was old school green screen Star wars stuff as well as practical FX. They are not always perfect and sometimes you can see the green screen outlines but some scenes such as when the big daddy major demon turns up are just beautifully made and reminiscent of some of the Claymation of Charles H. Schneer. Of course the minions are guys in suits but they look pretty cool.

I would recommend this to anyone who loves cheesy 80s monster movies as I’ve said before that would be someone like my manly self. I would give this movie a monstertastic 7 and a side note the guy who plays Terrance stars in the second Gate movie but that for a future review.

Dead Heat (1988)

Not pictured: nudity. Crazy, I know.

Dead Heat - starring Treat Williams, Joe Piscopo and Vincent Price (in one of his last roles) - is a horror/comedy vehicle from the director that brought you the 1989 version of The Punisher and also edited a bunch of pretty good movies. Mark Goldblatt in case you're interested.

In a nutshell, Dead Heat revolves around two cops and a machine that brings the dead back to life. From what I could understand the character played by Vincent Price was swindling rich old people into giving up half their fortune in exchange for eternal life, the catch being that those brought back to life only lived for 12 or so hours before melting into goo. Of course that part wasn't demonstrated to the captive and above all cashed up audience.

The movie zings along at a decent pace. Characters appear and are then slaughtered off screen, the action is okay, the jokes are horrendously bad and the acting is pretty abysmal. The one exception to this is Treat Williams, who I found far more believable than any of the others. Overall it was a budget 80s cop flick only with zombies instead of Colombians, Mexicans, Italians or whatever culture we're making fun of at the time.

What I did enjoy were the effects, prosthetics and general level of technical expertise. In particular the Chinatown butcher scene is awesome, well thought out and kind of horrific. Sadly though, an interesting premise and good effects were wasted with a crap script and horrible acting. Perhaps a remake should be on the cards using an all new script that exploits that central idea and builds a bunch of clever scenes like the Chinatown scene. Throw in some good jokes, decent actors and an underlying theme that explores the feelings of those brought back to life yet facing death again - and we have a winner. Someone send me lots of money and I'll get right on it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iq90fHRJOiA - Trailer

5/10 - Dead Heat had some potential, but ultimately it's a dead duck.

Oh and the ending was fucking terrible. I think I had a 6/10 in mind until I saw the ending.

Night of the Demons

I'm going to kick this off with two movies: one that is occasionally called a classic by those who don't get out much, and another that will probably become a bit of a classic...to people who don't get out much. Let's start with the older one - Night of the Demons.

To give you an indication of how much I enjoyed this movie let's just say I watched it in two parts (partly because of how much I liked it and partly because my 18 month old woke up).

Summing up in three words I would describe the movie as 'really, really boring'. Another three words that accurately reflect the movie are 'piece of shit'. I expected gore, demons and nudity; what I saw was a bunch of teenagers wandering aimlessly for 90 minutes spouting generic dialogue, intercut with demons standing still baring their teeth. One would expect a certain amount of demonic showboating, but these guys always stood still for the exact amount of time required that the protagonist could get the screaming over with and hightail it out of there. Every now and then a mediocre death was thrown in. Some nudity happened also. That's my review.

Night of the Demons is a solid 1/10 for being made, 4 bonus points for breasts and some flange, minus 2 for boring the shit out of me.

3/10 - Crap 80s horror with few redeeming features