Raptors Mega Day!

Recently I watched the B grade movie of Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus. Why? Because I’m a sucker for both punishment and giant monster movies.

Oh yeah, full on Plane eating!

Both the two monstrosities are released from some glacier after being trapped for hundreds of thousands of years meh why not millions, that’s a number too, and carry on the battle of eating planes and oil rigs um WTF? Yeah that’s pretty much how it all starts. Some scientist in a sub played by 80s pop princes Deborah Gibbs see some soldiers in a chopper cracks open some ice with some fancy charge thingy, that’s the technical term. The first thing the octopus does is take down an oil rig. Why? Who knows, maybe it looked like it’s mommy. The Mega shark then jumps some 2 to 3km out of the water and eats a passenger plane…yeah that’s right. Obviously physics or for that matter logic are part of this movie. At some point you get Lorenzo Lamaz as some super army general called Allan, he orders the navy after the beasts and yes you get it, get eaten. Nom, nom, nom. Eventually they decide to use phermons to lure the beast to America and Japan where they well eat people and then decide to use the same tactic to lure them together so they can have an unholy union and make sharktopus babies or eat each other.

Oh yeah, full on Bridge eating!

Well that’s all very well and good but how good were the special FXs hey. They must have been monumentally awesome! Er not really. They slid from passable to very average to gauge your eyes out crappy. They also had a habit of reusing scenes. I swear I saw the same scene of a soldier guarding a secret base three times. Also the ship and submarine bridges were in a electricity plant or something. I guess the budget didn’t cover that.

Oh yeah, full Shark on Octopus action!

The acting was ok for a B grade movie you just had to roll your eyes a lot to get past most of it. Believe me at the end of it I thought that it was the world spinning and not me.

This movie was sucktastic. Hey watch it if you have nothing else better to do like knitting or trying to see how long you can make a Mintis wrapper. I give this a 3.5/10.

Carriers (2009)

If you've seen a post apocalyptic movie, you'll know the basic premise here in Carriers. A bunch of young things are crossing the country (America of course) in a car to holiday at the beach; complete with sunglasses, beer and surfboards. We have hunky guy who does all the driving and drinks beer, not so hunky guy (his brother), pretty girl number one (girlfriend of hunky guy) and pretty girl number two (some rich chick they picked up along the way). However, all is not well in the world and these four are actually heading to the beach to escape a terrible worldwide plague.

Humanity as a plague, not that old chestnut

Along the way, the foursome pick up two more people - an infected little girl and her father - then drive on to check out the rumor of a cure at a nearby medical. Naturally the little girl is a threat, so to avoid spreading the disease the characters seal them into the rear of the car. This part of the film is by far the best and explores a few interesting concepts like humanity, compassion and fear. I don't mind the resolution, it's only disappointing that the rest of the movie failed to retain that level of focus and interest.

Guess what happens to the sick little girl. A happy ending and free tickets to Disney on Ice?

After leaving that plot-line behind, the  movie jumps from locale to locale, situation to situation, without grabbing your attention or making you care much about the characters involved. This is a touch disappointing when the characters involved are the key characters and the only characters that made you care have come and gone already. I really didn't give a shit about 4 young things in a car trying to reach a beach resort to save their own asses, while a little girl and her dad are a pair of characters (well acted characters) you form an attachment to and want to see win out in the end. So when the 'main' characters start falling, it's hard to give a fuck - and I didn't.

Left to right: slutty but caring girl, unstable and unlikeable guy, boring guy and undeveloped character girl. This picture makes me sleepy.

If Carriers were about the guy and his daughter travelling America, avoiding plague victims and cocks like the four pictured above - then Carriers would be a decent movie with heart-string pulling moments and plenty of action. Perhaps even a positive but ambiguous ending to satisfy the taste of as many viewers as possible and leave it up for a sequel. Instead we get a bunch of cardboard pretty things, half an hour of decent movie, a few very prolonged character deaths and...yes indeed...another shitty and highly predictable horror movie ending. Such promise put together in such a mediocre fashion.

4/10

Summary: Something that could have been quite decent; let down by crappy characters, mediocre story and a predictable ending. Watch to the end of the little girl plot then turn it off. The two characters on the left die and the two on the right, the least developed characters of 2010, survive and make it to the beach. Blargh.

Raptor reaches Godspeed

Charlie Sheppard (Joseph Mckelheer) is a faith healer, praise the Lord! He once had the Mojo and of late he has been trying to find it again but the Faith healing Mojo is gone. Then to make matters really suck his family is murdered by two hooded guys while he is out humping some woman. Praise the Lord!

Let us make colour on this picture like garish butterflies and wallah! Le craptacular poster.

This obviously messes him up big time. Fast forward six months or so and he’s living a hermits life and being visited by the local sheriff who’s still looking for leads on the killings. Charlie has lost his faith now and hates God and is editing out everything he disagrees with in a bible which is most of it. Then comes in Sarah Roberts (a very cute Courtney Halverson) who asks for Charlies help and leads him back to her family farm. This is where he meets her fanatical brother Luke Roberts(Cory Knauf) and his family friend Tim. Aside from working on a blossoming cult were involved in the death of Charlies family. So the settings is right for a bonfire of kaboom.

Godspeed is set in the Alaska twilight and movie has that slow burn build. You know by the end of it the shits going to hit the fan but your just not sure who is going to survive or not. Joseph Mckelheer plays Charlie as bitter man who wants to forget the past unfortunately for him the past doesn’t want him to forget. Who is this past I’m talking about, well that’s Courtney Halversons’ Sarah who seems quite innocent but still manages to seduce Charlie into helping her out. Then we meet Luke, Cory Knauf has done a pretty good job of brining out the crazy in this guy although I did think it was a little over the top at times. Charlies past has had a direct affect on his view of the world and Charlie is oblivious to it. The one character who I though was surplus in this was the Sheriff. It seemed the only reason he was there was to end up being killed in the end and having accomplished nothing. Woops spoiler, meh it was a suck ass character anyway.

.

Courtney Halverson - She's so cuuute

There is violence in this and it is visceral due to the realism the permeates the movie. The two scenes I’m talking about are the stabbing of Charlies wife and a guy(wont say who) getting his beaten in with a rock.  Probably not the worst you’ll ever see but they do stand out. The setting is quite stunning at times and haunting at others with the Alaska wilds and the low light giving the some of the scenes a washed out gray.

I did like Godspeed. It wasn’t really about faith at all but about loss, revenge and the seemingly irrelevant situation that may causes it. I give this movie a 7/10. Note: needed more boobage.

Martyrs (2008)

For some reason I hesitate to watch movies described as dark, depraved and cruel. I guess I know subconsciously that depravity isn't my thing. It therefore took a few days after getting it to finally watch Martyrs - a movie either praised quite vaguely and held up for it's surprising ending, or reviled for being pointlessly sick and hard to watch. I'd like to forward another review, but first some plot.

A young girl, Lucie, is running away from something and obviously something unpleasant judging by the state of her - bruised, bloody and terrified. Lucie has been tortured and locked away for reasons unknown and this is shown through little flashbacks as the movie progresses. While in an orphanage she's befriended by Anna and this friendship continues when the movie flashes 15 years into the future. Lucie is now crazy as a loon and guns down a family as they sit eating breakfast, claiming these are the people who held and tortured her all those years ago. This is also the point where a decent movie could have become a great thriller and instead...well...goes in a different direction. In a nutshell, Anna turns up to help bury the bodies and Lucie is tormented by a demon who cuts and beats her - a demon Lucie had been tormented by since childhood and thought she would purge by killing her tormentors.

Not this phylum of demon, unfortunately

So that's a pretty good start. Lucie is obviously crazy, and not the disco crazy everyone loves, oh no, she's imaginary demon crazy. Homicide crazy. Cutting yourself crazy. It's pretty obvious the demon is in her head and the cutting/beating thing is self-inflicted. Although obvious, I thought that was a good idea and had to wait until later in the movie before I was 100% sure. Anna on the other hand isn't so sure that Lucie is right about these people being monsters, in fact she isn't sure Lucie was even tortured. As a viewer I was left pondering whether the whole thing was a construct in Lucie's mind - perhaps she was abused as a child and built a fantasy over the years then latched onto a couple who superficially resembled the people she remembered from childhood and used them for revenge to 'purge her demons'. Oh, if only the movie had gone that way this would have been something worth watching.

A note on the gore and torture. It's pretty mild. I expected everything laid bare, no punches pulled, right in your face gore and horror. Nope. A lot was done off camera or obscured by something else. Horrific stuff was glimpsed or filmed from an extreme angle to mask what was being shown. Only twice did I wince a little, and that was Lucie cutting herself. It wasn't extreme, I just don't like scenes of people openly cutting themselves. The torture at the end, though overly long and unpleasant, wasn't hardcore or graphic. Just pointless. Perhaps when the girl is skinned you could make a claim for extreme, if muscles and a little blood freaks you out. I've seen worse, a lot worse..and I don't even watch movies like Hostel or Saw.


So, what really happens in the second act is weird and disappointing. Lucie kills herself. Anna finds a torture chamber under the house. A bunch of people rock up and talk about martyrs and creating martyrs so they can gather information about the afterlife. Apparently extreme torture can make someone a martyr and push them into glimpsing the afterlife. Or something. Obviously this is bad news for Anna and her hope of a full and rich life. Which I'm sure she'd have lived after 15 years with crazy Lucie and witnessing a bunch of gruesome murders.

The future of virtual reality isn't quite what they promised

The bad guys go on to torture the fuck out of her, which we get to watch for 20 minutes or more, then skin her. The skinning works a treat though and Anna apparently sees the afterlife. A gathering of people participating in the program (mostly rich older people, because rich old people have lots of time for crazy) is called at the house to have Anna's words related to them by the old woman who heard her testimony. The old woman kills herself instead so I guess Anna told her they don't have chocolate eclairs in the afterlife. The end.

But they do have trifle in the afterlife. Lots and lots of trifle.

Martyrs, therefore, was not a very good movie. The first half had potential but the rest was unpleasant claptrap. I can only assume that the people who describe it as extreme are more familiar with the works of Disney and those who praised the ending are under the age of 16. Or have received a large blow to the head recently.

Now you're ready to watch Martyrs, here's your ticket

3/10

Summary: Martyrs is shithouse, don't believe the hype.

Raptor uses some Ink

So what do Story Tellers, Path finders and Incubi have to do with a father and a little girl? Well they all come together in the movie Ink.  The scene is set at the begging with sleeping folk being visited initially by Story Tellers who appear in flashes of light and bring good dreams to those they touch. Then shortly after we see the incubi emerge out of shadows, they bring nightmares to those they touch.  Finally a hooded twisted and monstrous figure emerges named Ink who steals the soul of a little girl called Emma. He wants to join the Incubi and the payment is Emma. So starts a battle with the story tellers, and after Ink escapes, a search with a quirky Path Finder named Jacob to locate him. Leiv a rogue Story Teller gets to him first but surrenders to him to save the child. Mean while Emmas estranged father John seems to be the lynch pin to all of this but unfortunately was involved in a car accident.

I know what it looks like but I'm only stealing the girls soul.

There, an interesting start to a bizarre quirky film. Ink is at it’s core a movie about redemption and a metaphor for the subconscious battle of Ego over Id or even good versus evil or what ever the hell you call it. Doing the right thing or continuing to take the selfish path. This is where John (Christopher Soren Kellys) character and the character of Ink come into play. Meanwhile the interaction between these two forces is given physical meaning by the Story tellers and the Incubi.

Jacob: Looks like the guy was hit by a car. Girl: It's a dog you blind idiot!

Ink was directed by Jamin Winans and, considering it low budget, has done quite a brilliant job. The story harkens back to a Donnie Darko feel which you may note by the end. The movie is stylish, fast paced and the characters are solid. You want the Story Tellers to succeed. You want Ink to find his humanity again. I did sympathise with Inks character, as we find out more about him, seems to be a product of his own past actions. Jessica Duffy was quite endearing as Liev, portraying her bravely yet without an ounce of animosity to Ink in which she sees the pains of his past and sets an example to Emma who starts off frightened but with coaxing from Leiv brings out the “fierce lioness” in her. Also a worthy note was the Path Finder Jacob played by Jeremy Make. The quirky nature of this character really appealed to me. He walks around with tape across his eyes, counting out an obscure beat but as his name he sees paths and as he states “the flow must be stopped”.  Of course everyone who doesn’t see the path is an idiot, of course.

I'm happy...in my pants!

It’s rare that you see something cool in a movie now days but the story tellers and Incubi were awesome. I mentioned that the story tellers appeared in flashes of light.  It’s simple yet it did perk up your WTF meter at the begging of the movie. Now the Incubi are something and bizarre at that. Dressed in black, their sinister grinning faces are projected on screens held in front of their faces. Thing is this is the only emotion they show. They reminded me of the future world in 12 Monkeys. The fights held in this out of phase world were quite spectacular. Anything that is broken by them will instantly reform since they the combatants are not affecting the physical object but just the projection of it. Chairs, banisters, windows, anything will reform.

Overacting death aaaand scene. Thats a wrap!

Now it still is a low budget film, while the acting is good and the movie looks far more polished than it’s low budget beginnings, there are the occasional scenes where it does stand out. Not that this matters too much as the story is strong enough to carry it through.

Ha-row Jessica Duffy]

Ink has an underlying emotional urgency running through it, some people may not like this. I did and I was impressed. Sounds obscure? Good. I give it 8/10.

[REC] (both versions)

Spanish jazz-hands

Watching the American version of REC (I'll be dispensing with the [] from this point on) was a bit like eating cheap easter eggs. They look the same, weigh the same and feel the same - but the taste is just short of chocolate. Sometimes disastrously short. Both versions are about a surprise zombie outbreak (is there any other kind?) in an apartment building as documented by a pretty girl and her camera man as they follow a fire fighting unit and record their shift (at night of course). Be warned, this movie is of the first-person cam style like Cloverfield or Diary of the Dead. Personally I love the first-person style when done right, but it's not for everyone.

Over the course of the movie, various of the residents are bitten and infected or torn apart by ravenous zombies. Then the other characters are killed off and finally it's all down to the girl and her camera man. Turns out someone was running experiments in the attic, which became infection ground zero when the subject escaped.

I watched the original Spanish version a couple of years ago and loved it. Naturally, if you dislike first-person movies you shouldn't bother to begin with, otherwise I'm confident horror and zombie fans will agree with me. The characters were interesting enough but more importantly the action and suspense carried this flick all the way through. Doing a first-person movie is like doing a first-person novel, rather than being used as a cheap gimmick, the style must suit the story and not be shoehorned in. The things you can do with first-person - such as only show what the person could see - must be used to further the story and add to the tension or doubt.  Since we can't always see what's happening and we only know what the protagonist knows it sometimes forces us to use our imagination and thus fill in the gaps. Plenty happens off-camera in REC, with lots more being shown in flashes or glimpses, adding to the value of re-watching later. As a matter of fact, I feel like watching it right now.

The remade American version is pretty much the same as the original, except in English and with a different cast. For some reason it's also not as good. I can't put my finger on it and perhaps it's simply because the American lead actress wasn't as good as the Spanish one, or maybe because I'd already seen REC and the remake was literally a carbon copy. I should probably mention at this point that the American remake is called Quarantine, not REC.



REC the original gets 8/10 from me, the remake maybe 6.5/10. 

Raptor Suits Up Again

I remember when the first Iron Man came out and I walked out of the theatre thinking man that was awesome so it was with some trepidation that I walked into Iron Man 2.

Oh yeah check out my guns....and donuts

The story begins directly after Iron Man. We are introduced to Ivan Vanko (Mickey Rourke) who’s dying father was cheated by Howard Stark. His death sets him on a revenge cycle and after a failed first attempt and a prison break out he is befriend by billionaire rival weapons manufacturer Justin Hammer (Sam Rockwell) enlists him to build him and ultimate suit to make Tony Stark look bad at his own Stark Expo. Vanko has other ideas and builds drowns instead. Mayhem ensures. The power core in his chest is also poisoning Stark and his father may be the key to saving him and the world.

The camera is where? Oh what if I stand like this? Do we need these two in the background?

Now Robert Downey Jr is still impressive as the charismatic Tony Stark and his chemistry with the rest of the cast was still spot on from witty dialogue to emotional moments it didn’t skip a beat. The character of James Rhodes (War Machine) has been replaced by Don Cheadle who I actually though was a better choice than Terrence Howards portrayal from the original Iron man. He seemed to give a more human and sympathetic version of Rhodes. Mickey Rourke still looks like a bad ass and while his Vanko isn’t as sinister as Jeff Bridges Iron Man villain he still quite intimidating. Sam Rockwell is still a great fun character actor and his Justin Hammer is portrayed as an overly ambitious and a jealous business man who is not afraid to bend the rules to show up his rival. Of course things get out of hand.

Did you touch my butt? I know you tricks.

Gwyneth Paltrow returns as the gracious and sorely tested Pepper Potts. I really feel for her having to deal with Stark, one tick there.  Also returning is Shield agent Coulson (Clark Gregg) who shows some teeth in this while still remaining calm and collected. Can anyone say bodies in the cellar? Finally a big surprise to me was cool Samuel L Jackson as Nick Fury who plays a large part in revealing some of Starks back story and role in the Avengers program (To be seen I’d say). Oh and lets not forget Scarlet Johansson as kick ass and sexy shield agent Natalie Rushman who is keeping an eye on Stark for Nick Fury. Dame you Ryan Reynolds, dam you all to hell.

Iron Man flows smoothly in most parts from scene to scene. They defiantly took the formula from the previous move and used it here. That’s not a bad thing at all. As I mentioned before the chemistry between characters is great and there are numerous comedic moments to keep everyone amused. The action rattles off at a fast pace and yes to the tunes of ACDC and other rock songs. For anyone wanting slow-mo “300” type moves then this isn’t  the action for you.


So the CGI and practical FX? Well I can’t say there was much wrong here. The FX were awesome as usual. Top notch. There was one point were Downey was acting drunk in his Iron man suit and the helmet looked kind of dumb but hey he was acting drunk too so what ever. There were explosions fights between Vanko and Iron Man, Iron Man vs War machine, Iron Man Vs War Machine and Drones, Iron Man vs Drones and Iron man and War Machine Vs Drones. What more could you want. Really.

I find it hard to say anything bad about Iron Man 2. It is defiantly on par with the original film, and sitting alone in the cinema on the weekend I walked out with a grin on my face. Oh yes. There is a happy ending. I give this an 8.5/10. Bring on number 3!

Raptor Clashes in his Pants

I remember watching Clash of the Titans as a kid and thinking this was one of the best monster movies ever. EVER God dam it! Hey why would we question the opinion of a 12year old. Anyway looking back the movie was a little flawed here and there and possibly held together by duct tape in parts but overall still pretty cool. So when I heard a new version of Clash of the Titans was coming out with Sam “Blue Alien” Worthington as the lead of Perseus I was just a little excited. I’d heard bad things about the 3D version of it so I decided to give that a miss and see it in 2D. That made me $10 happier. Don’t take my word for the 3D version as I have no idea…ah what the hell, I’ll voice my unfounded fact less opinion too, the 3D was craptacular! There I said it.  So what did I think of it and compared to the original? Read on….

Hey do you think saw us with our skirts down?

First off, the cast in this is great. You have Sam as stated who is always a commanding screen presence. He puts on his action boots here and goes for the throat. Two thumbs up. I heard he did a lot of his stunt work too which always helps the action shots. Next you have Liam Neeson as Zeus and Ralf Fiennes as his brother Hades. There’s some great acting right there. The story pretty much pivots on the two characters battle for dominance on the Olympian Gods and the mortals. Zeus feels betrayed by the mortals and wishes to teach them a lesson, Hades on the other hand wants to overthrow Zeus and make the humans his slaves. Caught in the struggle are Calibos (Jason Flemming) Perseuses father and the man who began the mortals war against the Gods and Io played by a cute Gemma Arterton, Who? I don’t know she was cute anyway. Io is a woman cursed with immortality for refusing to have rumpy pumpy sexy with a God. Go the bra burning! She pretty much helps and advises Perseus through his quest. Andromeda (Alexa Davalos) role is probably one of the biggest differences from the original movie. Where in the first she was the love interest and the driving force of Perseuses quest she is now just part and victim of the battle.

Oh uh hmmm, yes I see, yes. If we cut here here, lift here, stretch here I think we can make you a star. OH GOD! Your head fell off!

On it’s own the new Clash of the Titans makes a great action movie. There are battles and fights, monsters and stunts left right and centre. The CGI effects are good although the medusa was a little plastic in her facial features she was still pretty good. What this version of the movie did better than the original I thought was the concept of the group of Greek heroes gathering together to journey on an epic quest. Of course most don’t make it but that is part of it. Heroic, tragic and epic. They also included in the mix a Dijin named Sheikh Suleiman who was very cool.

Gemma Arterton likes Chocolate...I hope that's chocolate.

Where it lacked from the original was in depth of story. Where in the first we saw more of Andromeda’s plight, Caliboses back story and the bickering between the Gods, this has mostly been flushed out for a smoother ride. It’s not terrible as it does make the ride quicker but still you kind feel like you wanted a little more.

Halloz littlz peoplez

So overall I’d have to say I enjoyed the new version. It had good pace, lacking in some areas but a fun ride. I give it a 8/10.

Raptors Short Shorts:

Paranormal Activity:

I sat down to watch this in the dark and alone as instructed by Gavor. Congratulations, it creeped me out for the rest of the night. Stupid movie go bang now! The character of Micha annoyed the crap out of me. Here is Katie telling him that bad shits going to happen and it’s been happening to her all her life but no he decides to be a macho duchebag and “handle himself”...er it himself.  Anyway. Idiot.  When someone says we can get you a demonologist specialist to help you, you say yes thanks sir would you like me to bend over now. Anyway, still pretty good for the creepiness. 7/10.

7^th Moon:

This one was really lack lustre and by the books not to mention getting the car bogged twice to get the movie started and the guys in white makeup playing the ghosts were really kind of dumb. Amy Smart was in it, that’s kind good right? Well yeah but she needed more kit off. All that agree say “I”…good then. I give this one a 5/10.

Silent Hill (2006)

I don't know a single thing about Silent Hill the video game beyond the 10 minutes I played of #4 (The Room) and the 20 minutes I played of #2 (supposedly the best of the lot). To be fair, I played both on a PC and apparently the ports are as dodgy as your 15-year-old 486, so I always let it slide that both games sucked hard. I simply fucking hated them.

Flash forward to 2010 and I'm sitting at home in my best jodhpurs deliberating upon what to watch next when I notice a move called Silent Hill. The only reason I missed this on release was my antipathy toward the game series, or so I surmised because I can't remember it being released. Anyhoo, off I went into the video world of Silent Hill once more. And fuck, it was good.

I have no mouth yet I must scream. And shout. Let it all out.

See, there's this little girl who dreams of a place called Silent Hill and tries sleep walking off of cliffs. Naturally this worries her parents a little so the mother (Radha Mitchell) ...


...whisks her off to Silent Hill for some personal PI work. Here's some more of my PI work into Radha...



Anyway, moving along, they are chased by a cop, crash, and all three end up trapped in Silent Hill. The daughter goes missing after the crash and the story becomes one of searching, being hunted and seeing a bunch of pretty cool stuff. Except to the characters, to them that shit is pretty scary. There's guy with a pyramid for a head (funnily enough called pyramid head by SH fans) and a bunch of things that scuttle along the ground making a funny noise. It's better than I make it sound.

Eventually mum and the cop run into the remaining inhabitants of Silent Hill and it turns out they're remnants of the population, evacuated after a fire started in the coal mine beneath the town. Over the years they've gone batshit religious and like to hunt down and burn witches among other things. The scene where the key characters are pursued by pyramid head up to the church sanctuary and he skins one of the crazy churchies, is simply an awesome spectacle.

In the end the daughter is rescued but she's found to be the good side of a little girl possessed by a demon many years previous to the movie. The possessed little girl is now a grown woman, a warped and twisted cripple with scary powers of demonage. Seems the town people tried to burn her once and now she's really pissed off.

Welcome - come for the fog, stay for the crazy

In a hectic finale, the cop is burned alive (graphically), the demon possessed woman goes on a rampage of slaughter in the church (not graphically enough) and the woman plus her daughter escape. As a little aside to the main story, we also see the husband searching for both wife and daughter. He talks to people near Silent Hill and even visits with the local cops from a nearby town, but it's a totally different place. No fog, no monsters, no church. In the end he goes home empty-handed, as does his wife. But while he is in a normal house, she and the daughter are in a house filled with and surrounded by mist. Are they dead already? It's your call because the movie ends.

So I really liked Silent Hill, sure it was long and the acting was so-so, but the story was pretty good and the atmosphere appropriately eerie. Everything else such as effects, direction and scenery was above expectations also and in some cases pretty darn good. Silent Hill for me was like heading out to a bar for a few quiet drinks and coming home later wearing a different pair of pants and a sombrero. You thought it might be an ok time, but it turned out to be a ripper.

8.5/10

Raptor gets Ass Kicked

Well it’s been a few weeks since my last stellar post. I’ve been sick alright! You’re all so needy. Anyway now that I have recovered to some degree I’d like to tell you about the movie Kick Ass.

I think I farted in my suit

It start with the premise of why aren’t there more Superheroes in the world? Obviously anyone crazy guy could put on a cape and go do good. So based on this our inept hero Dave Lizewski (Aaron Johnson) puts on a wet suit, grabs some fighting sticks and Kick Ass goes and gets himself stabbed and run over…on his first day out. After some surgery that involved a lot of reinforcing his broken bones and left him partially numb to pain he tries again managing to fight off some thugs who are beating up on a guy. This gets captured on film and suddenly Kick Ass is a celebrity. In the mean time his mundane persona is befriended by the cute Katie (Lyndsy Fonesca) who feels sorry for him for being beat up because he is gay. Wait what? It’s ok he rolls with this in the hopes of getting some tail later on.

Hit Girl: One Scary little kid.

Meanwhile two real super heroes and in the middle of taking down crime boss Frank D’amico (Mark Strong from Stardust). Big Daddy (Nicholas Cage) and Hit Girl (Chloe Moretz) have been planning this since D’Amico framed Big Daddy in his cops days, sent him to prison and caused the death of his wife. Unfortunately D’Amico assumes that it’s Kick Ass who is taking out his men. This forces a team up between Big Daddy, Hit Girl and Kick Ass. Enter Frank D’Amicos son Chris (Played by the funny Christopher Mintz-Plasse) who plans to lure Kick Ass out into a trap masquerading as superhero Red Mist. From there everything goes crazy.

This movie grabbed my attention from the get go and the humour remains steady from the beginning to end. Now the violence. There is a tone of it and a lot of it coming from the psycho 11 year old Hit Girl. Man she is one scary little girl. The action is all grounded in reality, think of Batman style super heroes or maybe Punisher. No super powers as such but just 1337 skillz yo. Nicholas cage also goes off in one particular scene taking out a slew of bad guys which makes me almost forget the bad taste of Ghost Rider. Overall all the acting across the board is good and the script is tight with few dull moments at all.

The funny thing is that Kick Ass isn’t really the main Hero. He is the main character yes but as far as heroing is concerned he is really a Hero in training. So the movie is really a begging story such as Kick Ass Begins. It also means that Kick Ass is kind of relegated a lot to side kick. See what I did there. I also think there is going to be a few more chapters to this story too.

I give Kick ass an 8.5/10 for ass kicking super hero fun.

Raptor goes a little Gozu

You know Japanese make some really weird ass films. Not to say that the rest of the world isn’t capable but well theirs are all the weirder mainly because they are crazy Japanese.

This guy fails at applying sun screan

Gozu is a film directed by Takashi Miike the guy who did the Master of Horrors episode Imprint that caused a little controversy, I guess who just didn’t want to give up here.

Hello, my name is fred and when I'm at home I like to dance in my undies.

The story stars with two brothers, Minami and older brother Ozaki, who are part of a Yakuza gang. When Ozaki starts to go a little crazy by beating up Yakuza attack Chihuahuas, the head boss orders Minami to get rid of him at the Junkyard. So along the way Ozaki dies and Minami looses his body. So he begins a search to find his brother and comes across more weirdness like a guy with half the pigment missing from his face who gives him a hand or a hotel run by a brother and sister who can speak to the spirits. The Sister also has a tendency to “Milk” herself which seems to tie in with a cow headed daemon. The daemon during a possible dream gives him a letter that directs him back to the junkyard where he finds that his brother has been compacted and the proof is his flattened skin. It’s at this time a girl rocks up saying that she is his brother. He takes her back to the yakuza boss who tries get amorous with her. Oh did I mention the boss can only get it off by placing the handle of soup ladle up his butt? Well there you go. So Minami steps in and stops him with lets say some electrocution involving said soup ladle. Ouch. Finally it all ends with Minami and the girl having sex a hand coming out of her crotch and latching onto his penis and then the girl giving birth to his brother fully grown…yeah seems like she can stretch.

Wave to the cameras!

What can I say, this movie just drew me in mainly due to what the fuck factor, you know that thing where you brain doesn’t quite register what the hells going on but you still want to know what happens next. The acting was pretty good as far as I could tell. They were speaking Japanese. The effects were nothing spectacular although well done. The daemon cow scene was creepy and the birth scene well just ouch really, ouch. Don’t worry the girl was fine after it and they all walked off happy.

I give this a 7/10 mainly for the weirdness. Oh yes for the weirdness.

Some babies are a little late coming out but this is ridiculous.

Cloudy with a chance of meatballs

That's right, a cartoon. I mean an animated feature. A little detour from the horror, porn-like gore fests and adult comedies we normally deal with. So, why? What am I doing reviewing a kids movie? Does it have adult undertones, no. Does it have adult humor, not really. Does it have some cool animation, yes. Did it make me laugh a lot, yes. And that's why this movie is being reviewed - I often lament to myself that movies just don't make me laugh anymore. Quite often I see the humor and I'm amused, but not much makes me laugh out loud.  This did, several times.

Mustache...

Meatballs (as I will call it from now on) is a weird little movie carrying several little themes - friendship, family, achieving your dreams, being yourself. But mostly it's just funny. In a nutshell, the key character, Flint, invents a machine that can make food from water. While trying to draw electricity directly from the power station to make it work properly, the machine flies off into the sky and stays there like a little satellite. Soon after it rains hamburgers. To the people of the town, stuck eating sardines for years, this is mana from heaven - twice as tasty but just as farcical. Flint is ordered to make it rain food every day, for every meal, so the town can promote themselves as the new tourist mecca of gastronomy. Naturally it goes butt up and the machine begins making bigger and bigger food. So it's up to Flint and his friends to fly into a food storm and save the world.

I have the voice of Mr T. Game over.

It's a movie of two distinct halves. The very amusing and entertaining first half, and the more action oriented second half. The first half is by far the more entertaining, which isn't to say the conclusion was bad...it just lost a little steam and went down the traditional 'man vs mutated foods' path. Of particular note in the humor department are the monkey (who loves mustaches), Flint, and his father - for whom everything is a fishing metaphor.

Flint and father...testing a new invention. Hair un-balder I think it was.

So that's my review. I watched this with my 2 year old and it made for a delightful distraction from disembowelments, gun shot wounds and bare breasts. We had a great time and I wager you will too.

8.5/10

A spaghetti twister. Tasty and deadly all at once.

ps. It has the voice talents of Bruce Campbell AND Mr T. That's right. So go watch it.

pps I also watched Up recently. It was good, but not as good as this movie.

A tasty serve of movie with entertainment sauce

Raptor looks at Sin in the City

I’m a big fan of Robert Rodriguez and Frank Miller. I remember when I heard this was in the works I was pretty excited. Just this week I watched it again and bam it’s still as cool as a glacier in a shot glass.

Rodriguez took Frank Millers graphic novels and literally transferred them to the big screen in a stylised, black and white and almost panel for panel in some instances. It’s beautifully rendered with splashes of colour that are used as highlights and focus points. It doesn’t skimp on the violence either with stabbings, shootings, severed heads and dismemberments.

Yes black and white makes us look cooler

The story is really 3.5 stories rolled into one. It starts with short story of “The customer is always right”, blink and you’ll miss it. We then get the first part of “That yellow bastard” about a hard boiled cop Harington (great job by Bruce Willis) who is tracking down a little girl who was kidnapped by raping paedophile/murder days before his retirement due to a heart condition.  Having cornered the perk Junior on a pier finds out he’s the son of some Big Wig and his parter steps in to try and stop him and cover up the fact. Harington takes care of his partner and puts a few bullets into Juniors crotch and hand for good measure. The next story “The Hard Goodbye” has Mickey Rourke who is almost unrecognisable as Marv a thug of a man who is framed for the murder of Goldie the one person who had ever shown him some compassion. So he begins a violent investigation that eventually leads to the Cardinal Roark (Rutger Hauer) who is hiding his secret, a cannibalistic killer Kevin played by unnervingly by Elijah Wood who feeds on the prostitutes of the city.

The red makes Jamie Kings boobies look perkier

We then move to the third story “The Big Fat Kill”. Tough guy Dwight (Clive Owen) gets involved with Jackie Boy (Benicio del Toro) and with Gail (Rosario Dawson) leader of the Old Town Prostitutes kill him and find out too late he is a cap. Trying to hide the body the wraith of the law descends upon them and they desperately try to figure a way out. The last story “That Yellow Bastard” Picks up from the second story 8 years later where we see Harington discovers that Nancy is now a 19yr old stripper (yes she is Jessica Alba and she is hoooot). Too late he finds out that Junior, who now looks like a yellow fatso has been following him to track down Nancy. Then he has to protect her and possibly with his life.

I want to be Jessica Albas horse

So there, those are the stories and the as you can see from above there is a really strong cast and they give a great performance. I loved the hard boiled pulp detective novels dialogue and the tongue and sarcastic humour peppered through out this. The stories link together seamlessly, with characters from earlier parts appearing in later ones or mentioned in some way which creates an overall continuity.

You'd better be paying me triple for this!

Some of the action and violence could be a little over the top, reality really is not grounded here and as much as I did love the dialogue a few times I even rolled my eyes but that was rarely.

In the end I just dug the style and flat out coolness of this movie. I give it an 8.5/10 with a bullet in the eye.

Raptor Goes Mad as a Hatter

I had been looking forward to Tim Burtons Alice in Wonderland for some time and I have to say it did meet my expectations but did it exceed them? Well yes and no.

This is not the traditional Alice in Wonderland story but takes places a number of years later when Alice is set to be betrothed to some up himself lord. She panics and following the White Rabbit finds the hole to Wonder Land or Lower Land as it’s called in the movie. It seems it was foretold she would come back, slay the jabberwocky and save the realm from the red Queen. With the help of the Mad Hatter and he white queen she finds the courage to accept her destiny and face her fated foe. Roll tape.

I think I need to lock the doors to my house if these people showed up.

Alice in Wonderland boasts a huge cast. Alice is played by the pretty Mia Wasikowska who was born in Australia my home turf.  She plays Alice as a girl trying to find herself and confused by the reoccurring dreams of Wonderland. She really does play the heroin quite well with no pretentiousness at all and by the end I was really cheering for her to get that Jabberwocky. I think she is going to be an actress to look for if she keeps up her performances as she has in this movie.  Now to one of my favourite actors, Johnny Depp who was cast as the Mad Hatter, really who else would you cast? I liked what he did with the character, played as a bipolar mad man who wavers between a simpering tailor of hats to his alter ego a frighteningly psychotic Scotsman barely holding back his rage. This was further enhanced by the yellow contact lenses he wore through his portrayal. A nice touch was also the black that grew around his eyes as he swung further towards his more violent side. You could actually judge how much he was affected by the amount of black around his eyes. Others of note were the Red Queen played bitchingly by Helena Bonham Carter. That big head of hears really did tilt the world one more step towards madness, her courtesans even wore fake ears, noses or stomachs to appease her love of  um…big things. The Knave of Hearts, her consort and somewhat champion was played by the underrated Crispin Glover. Manipulative and power hungry, Crispin brought enough realism to the performance so that it didn’t appear cartoonish which could have easily happened. Also Anne Hathaway was great as the white queen, she played with with such cheek that it put a smile on my face...and she is hot which helps. What? Sorry zoned out.

Excuse me, I need to dress up as the white king for some cos-play.

The performances by all means were the strongest part of this movie. This was by no small part due to Tim Burtons immaculate direction who always seems to get the best out of the actors under his hand. He also gave the movie his stamp, with the stylised gothic elements mixed with flamboyant swaths of techocolour not to mention some macabre scenes such as the moat around the Red Queens castle filled with floating heads of those that had displeased her.

Oh god, the drugs! The faces, the little girl with the teeth!

Most of the SFX  were CGI generated but it was done really well. I watched this in 3D and it did look good but it probably wasn’t necessary. I would still recommend it without the 3D although it does draw you into battle scenes somewhat. Their were a multitude of creatures and denizens of Wonderland animated such as the Red queens guards, the talking animals, flowers etc but the two most prominent would have to have been the Bandersnatch a squat cat like creature with a shark tooth grin and the Jabberwocky who’s image I’ve always found to be bizarre. Here it’s not so much buck toothed as it is deadly predator. As a point of interest the Jabberwocky was voiced by Christopher Lee. How about that.

Alice in Wonderland wasn’t perfect. The story did meander at times in the middle and there was a stupid scene with a dance that Johnny Depp does at the end. Why God why? Anyway al minor notes. Really. I liked this film. I give it an 8/10.

Short Sharp Review:

Quickly, I also watched Richard Kellys’ The Box (Previously reviewed by the esteemed Gavor). What started off interestingly enough turned into a “what the fuck” pointless ending with a convoluted plot trying to explain the “what the fuck” ending. It could have been better but ah well. I’ll just put on Donny Darko. I gave this one 4/10.

Movie round-up #3

Today I bring a movie round-up of the many average flicks I've endured (plus a couple of ok ones) over the last month. I accept your thanks in advance for sifting through the junk and saving you the time wasted viewing some of the rubbish below. 

The Box

Another mediocre effort from the guy who gave us Donnie Darko. The Box puts to us the premise that a young couple is delivered a box with a big red button on it and pressing the button will grant them 1 millions dollars. Great you say, but of course there's a catch. Pressing the button gives them 1 million dollars but also kills someone they don't know. In the end, it's all a big test by aliens (of course) to see whether the human race is worth saving or if we're all greedy little fucks. Suffice to say that everyone seems to press the button. The other catch is that the unknown person who dies is the last person to have pressed the button, so you get your million but you're pretty much guaranteed to die soon anyway. There's a bit more too it and I thought that at least the end was logical, but otherwise The Box is average. Starring Cameron Diaz and some guy.

5/10





Fire in the sky

A bunch of hicks head out to chop wood and run into a spaceship. Probably more interesting if you're into fairies and UFOs, but I'm not. Based upon the ravings of a real person whose story about alien abduction has been pretty much debunked over the years. Amusing but ultimately not worth the time unless you're short a few dozen IQ. The bit on the alien ship is well done and by far the most entertaining. Starring the terminator who could turn into liquid metal.

5/10

 



The Mothman Prophecies

Apologies in advance, I watched this movie late at night so some details are fuzzy. Richard Gere stars as a guy who, years after his wife's death, starts experiencing odd things. He goes for a drive one night and somehow ends up many hundreds of kilometers away in a different state. Like with teleportation and shit, or something. Anyhow, that's not important. The town he ends up in has experienced many weird things. A 'Mothman' appears to some people and gives warnings of future happenings to others. Gere's wife appears to communicate with him, I think. There's also a premonition of something to do with a river and many deaths. In the end a bridge collapses but through his choices and actions, a youngish female cop whom he flirted with throughout the movie doesn't drown. The end. I kind of liked this movie, it was well made and just a touch creepy. I expected more scary based on the reviews I'd read but it will probably depend on your fear tolerance.

7/10





Battle Royale

A bunch of Japanese schoolkids are put on an island with random weapons and commanded to kill one another. The last survivor will be released, but if there is no result after a specified time frame they will all die when the collars they wear explode. This movie explores what depths people will sink too when fighting for survival and how the dictums of law and society are sometimes the only things keeping certain people fro doing as they please - in the case killing all the people they dislike. There's a decent ending and some good characterisation here, though the ending is overly drawn out. Battle Royale gets a thumbs up as well.

6/10



The 4th kind

Junk. An interesting premise but laughingly put together. Another movie based on the 'real-life' accounts of a few crackpots. Not at all believable and even worse, it's presented as an actual documentary - 'real' footage and recordings interspersed with reenactments, sometimes side by side in split screen for reasons that can only be 'arty'. The fourth kind title comes from their being different levels of alien contact as specified by the FBI (or was it CIA), from first kind to fourth kind. The movie Close Encounters of the Third Kind uses the same designations. 'Starring' Milla Jovovich.

3/10

Raptor Sees a Blood Moon

Blood Moon Rising is a flick that could have done with a bigger budget and probably a better cast since the story was actually interesting. It involved a cursed couple who are transformed into a werewolf and vampire by some she bitch Vampire because she had the hots for the guy (Vampire).  The she bitch gets killed and buried but a clause in the curse states that she will rise again if the girl(werewolf) is killed and using a Necrenomicon type book open a gate to hell. Oh, her fathers the devil. Add some vampire bikes, zombies created from the wolf bite and the cast from a horror movie shoot and it’s general mayhem.

This poster looks cooler than what the movie actually does....why God why!?!

This poster looks cooler than what the movie actually does....why God why!?!

The movie was filmed with a grind house style even with annoying loss of voice sections, man that was annoying since it happened like 3-4 times. I’m sure once would have been enough. They also used the old dust hair on the screen, missing footage and burn out scene tricks too. I didn’t mind them so much.

The actors generally went from bad to ok. I guess the Darrell Lee (Neal Trout) the soda shop teller was probably the highlight as a comic obsessed gun carrying idiot. Although the surprise was Ron Jeremy who shows up as a sleazy producer and promptly gets eaten by zombies. Way to go.

The CGI that was in this was pretty average. It wasn’t used to much but when it was it mediocre. There was a lot of practical blood and guts and head exploding done which was pretty good. Some of the devils at the end looked like they were out of the World of Porn Craft back lot. Especially bad was the werewolf. Man was that a crappy looking werewolf. Let me not explain it other than to use the word craptacular. Also anyone bitten by the werewolf gets teeth. The only way you can tell a werewolf from a vampire is they also have fangs on the bottom row. That’s it.

Reiterating this move would be great with more money thrown in. I mean it had zombies, werewolves, demons and vampires.….oh yes and some booby shots. What more could you want? More money I guess.  I give this one a 4.5/10.

Raptors Stuck in the Doghouse

You know Doghouse is a frightening movie for men mainly because it’s about women on PMS with weapons. Actually it’s about zombie women on PMS with weapons.

It starts with a group of guys getting together to head off for a weekend out to cheer up Vince (Stephen Graham from Snatch) after he had a break up with his wife.  So they hire a bus and take him to a town in the middle of no where. Soon they find that all the women are infected with some virus released as an experiment by the government that changes the women to flesh eating zombies who can still wield weapons.  They try to make it back to the bus but that now has been overrun and so begins their plan to escape.

I think they are scared because they saw the extra meat and two veg.

This movie seems to be a vindication for all the trouble that men have with women but it does wear a little thin by the second half and just leans a little too much into the misogynist side.  Even so it does take it all with a comedic bent that takes the edge off enough too be watchable and frankly you wouldn’t want to meet these zombie women in a dark ally and please, please don’t ask for the $10 drop the pants special.  The guys put on a reasonable performance and the British banter makes them quite likeable. The zombie girls, and there are a lot of them,  each have their own individual look such as the hair dresser runs around with two scissors or the gothic paraphernalia store owner is a large breasted zombie with a huge sword….compensating for something. Maybe, just maybe. They also have two phases in their disease. Phase one is a slower, not so bright zombie state. Phase two they morph into red eyed long clawed she demons with more smarts…oh noes!


The ending on this one kind of irked me. They end up getting away but find that one of the guys they left behind was still alive, so they go back to get him and then after finding him are about to leave the village again and…that’s it. What? You couldn’t have put in an extra 5 mins of footage. Bah! What ever.


Over all, the movie was ok. The zombies were interesting and the characters quite solid. I give this one a 6.5/10.

The Book of Eli (2010)

In post nuclear America, half a generation has passed since the disaster and only the dwindling numbers of 'old-timers' recall life before the bombs dropped. One of these old-timers is Eli, a man with superlative combat and survival skills wandering the wastes (Denzel Washington). In his possession is a book, a book he reads every day and that he vows to transport somewhere. Somewhere a little vague and apparently inspired by God. Along the way he runs into a tin pot dictator, played by Gary Oldman, who wants the book for himself because it will grant him power over people with the power of  its words. Kind of scary. And yes, it's the bible. The last bible in existence actually after people went crazy and blamed all religions for the apocalypse - and rightfully so I imagine. So, in a nutshell, Eli claims a mandate from God to save the book that caused all the trouble in the first place.

On the evil side, Gary Oldman is the old-timer who understands religion's power to control people, and therefore represents the fundamental truth that no matter the best intentions of religious folk, there is an abundance of people out there ready to use religion for their own gain. The plot therefore sent mixed messages and annoyed the hell out of me. Meanwhile, the rest of the world no longer has religion and the people live tough, brutish lives. I'm pretty sure this was intentional. The unenlightened had few morals and some were on the way toward to bestial lives governed by pillage, rape and drunkenness.  Interpret that was you will.

In the end it boils down to this; Oldman gets his hands on the book after shooting Washington in the stomach - though this is after Washington kills pretty much all of Oldman's private thug army. Washington is then saved by a female hanger-on whose role in the film probably read 'look pretty, rescue Washington'. Oldman then discovers the bible is in Braille and so we're led to believe that Washington's character, Eli, was blind. Or at least I think we are, it's quite confusing. He acts like a man who can see most of the time (such as when he's looking over a cliff edge and watches a couple being attacked and raped by members of Oldman's gang), but the big finale with the braille bible thing seems to suggest he is blind. Personally, I don't think he was. If I'm wrong they handled it incredibly badly so it made no sense, added nothing spectacular to the ending and generally brought the overall tone of the movie down. 

Meanwhile in Japan, a new breed of superhero emerged to save the people of earth...

Oldman of course cannot read the bible and then dies. Washington escapes to Alcatraz with his young poontang and then dictates the entire bible to Malcolm McDowell, the leader of an institution dedicated to collecting what they can from the ruins and kick-starting all of civilisation again. Naturally, only the Americans can achieve this. Washington then dies and the poontang wanders off to do fuck knows what. By this time I'd lost interest in the quasi-religious bunkum and prepubescent philosophy, so I kind of didn't watch the last 10 minutes properly. The institute then prints the bible according to Eli whereupon they take it to a book full of books and put it on a shelf with a bunch of other religious texts. A fitting place for it really, just one book among many.

I'm not sure if my feelings for the movie came across in that little synopsis so let me state it clearly - this movie was rubbish. Denzel Washington as Eli gave a passable performance, especially in the first 30 or so minutes when we see him journey across the wastes alone. Everyone else was average to mediocre, though the cookie cutter characters must have made life difficult for them. After that initial 30 minutes of interest the rest of the movie was as stated above, religious and pseudo-philosophical. Some people died, a book was sought and pretty much all the main characters died. A great set up and well constructed visuals, wasted on a muddled story so full of holes it leaked the credibility right out by the 60 minute mark.

I'll give this one two scores; 2/10 if Eli is blind, otherwise 4/10. At the least the beginning was entertaining.

Raptor Howls at the Moon

So last weekend I caught the The Wolfman at the movies. This was one of those movies I was looking forward to but was a little worried that it would be…well crap really. I’m happy to say it wasn’t crap but a reasonable fair. This I can pretty much say was mainly due to the strong acting guns of the cast.

Director Joe Johnston has a number of well know movies under his belt such as Jumanjii and Jurassic Park III and some Visual Effects notably from Indian Jones and Star Wars. Here he has brought to life the Victorian period along with the superstitious village atmosphere meeting the forward thinking city folk.

Do these teeth make me look angry?

The story centres on Ben Talbot (Benicio Del Toro) and actor who returns home to his windowed father, Sir John Talbot (Anthony Hopkins), after the death of his brother to some wild animal or crazy psychotic. He encounters Gwen his brothers now widowed wife played by the lovely Emily Blunt and promises to track down the killer. After tracking down some gypsies they are assailed by the werewolf and he is bitten.  Soon London sends their finest to help track down the killer and by finest I mean the Detective on the Jack the Ripper case, Abberline, non other than Mr Smith himself, Hugo Weaving.  This leads to the eventual confrontation between Ben, the Werewolf and Abberline.

As you can see, the cast is really strong and they do put their acting chops into this and make quite the believable and dramatic presentation. Del Toro does a great job as the brooding Ben and even manages to make some of the cringe worthy lines laudable. Anthony Hopkins plays the liege of the family as a distant broken man slowly drifting into madness. At first I thought he may be playing to his role in Dracula but believe me it’s wildly different from this. Hugo Weaving is great as always as the Abberline, a cunning and grounded man who doesn’t believe in the superstitious; by the end of the movie his views are shattered.

Emily Blunt actually plays a very strong heroine as Gwen. She isn’t simpering and does take action herself in lie of events.

19th century Victoria is recreated beautifully. From the cities, to the clothing and even scenic locals of the misty woods it’s exactly what you’d expect. Now the werewolf transformation was pretty good although it did look a little CGI at times. The werewolves themselves were mostly practical FX which is great and harkened back to the old black and white Werewolf movies but every now and then you just look at the makeup and think, I wonder if that mask is going to fall off or can you pick your nose in that thing? Also there is a lot of killing and gore in this. We have decapitations, eviscerations and I’m sure there was and emasculation there somewhere amongst the severed limbs.

On the other side the end fight see did make me giggle a little also with all the latex masks and body fur running about. The big reveal of who the identity of the werewolf was so obvious that I don’t even have to mention it here but let’s just say it’s one of the above. Finally there was a couple of cliché dialogue scenes were I did groan a little, these saved only by the deliverance of the actors.  Oh yeah, no boobies at all to see in from here to Queen Victoria herself.

Overall the Wolfman is a very good creature feature with a couple of fury areas that could use a trimming. I give this movie a 7.5/10.

Who's Watching Raptor

With so many super hero movies out at the moment it’s rare to see one with breadth and depth that Watchmen brings. Director Zack Snyder of 300 fame has taken the true spirit of the Allen Moore penned comic book and brought it to screen with his own kinetic and stylised er…style.

It starts off with the death of the Comedian, who is one of my favourite characters I’ve decided. This starts a search for the killer by a vigilante called Rorschach (My other favourite character) which cascades into a wide spread plot to bring about world peace but in a very immoral way which begs the question. Do the ends justify the means? I truly was torn at the end of the film with this exact question.  Is killing a million people to save several billion ok? I could see the point and I could see they why but even I had a hard time justifying it and I guess that’s the crux of it. It’s not an easy decision and most people of moral values would say no it doesn’t but then isn’t it just as morale to save so many…well kind of.

Thuck it in girls! Let the thpandex do its thing.

Now as mentioned before the Comedian, played by  Jeffrey Dean Morgan who you may have seen in the series Supernatural, was the epitome of the Anti-Hero. He performs acts which may be considered heroic or deplorable but all in the name of his country and time after time he is forgiven because of it.  He drips sarcasm and to paraphrase he is a parody of mankind. We see his actions and relationships with the other characters in flashbacks which are used a lot to fill in the plot and background of each of the characters. Laughing while firing a flame thrower at the Vietnamese we finally see him guilt ridden and confessing to one of his old enemies.  Rorschach is another stellar performance by Jackie Early Haley . He plays a gruff, hardnosed mask wearing detective type who sees everything in black and white. There is no grey. The good are there to be protected and the bad to be condemned to hell.  Even at the bitter conclusion he stands firm on his beliefs even to his detriment. He is almost the purist Hero, a violent crazy hero but still a hero. Dr. Manhattan, portrayed by Billy Crudup, is the most powerful naked blue man on the planet. He is so far removed from humans that he is loosing what little humanity he has left and his part shows a lot of his struggle with it. Other notables are Nite Owl (Patrick Wilson) who is practically your Clark Kent crossed with batman superhero who along with Silk Spectre (A very cute Malin Akerman) are swept up in the plot. Finally Ozymandias (Matthew Goode) the smartest man in the world, is a very cool Super hero/villain.

I can’t fault the performances of any of the main characters. They were all quite strong and each had there hearts in their roles and brought their A games to characters that could have come out quite plastic and cliché instead became mutli-faceted which in part was also due to the strong script.

Because the movie spand several generations of superheroes the soundtrack fit this perfectly with song by Bob Dylan to David Bowie and other similar musicians form the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s. Did I mention that the story unfolds in the 80s? Oh yes, there is spandex galore as well as naked blue penis….you’ll see.

Now special FX and CGI wise I loved what Zack Snyder has done. The cinematography was beautiful and he did have a number of his signature slow-mo scenes alla 300 but not to the same degree I’d have to say. It also doesn’t hold back on the violence. Believe me this is not a kids movie. With arms breaking, bodies exploding, hands cut off and multiple shootings this a graphic novel brought to a movie and I do mean graphic.

The movie does drag in parts and the back and forth flashbacks can be confusing to some but these were all minor details. To me this was what a super hero movie should be, fleshed out characters, a solid thought out and complex plot along with lots of kerpow and bang in the eye. Oh yeah spandex too. I give this a 9/10.

Bad Lieutenant - not a remake (2009)

Last night I had the pleasure of watching Bad Lieutenant, not the original but also not a remake - mostly. Sure, it's about a drug addicted cop who does things his way -  accepts drugs and sex as bribes, steals from the property room and shacks up with a hooker - but only some of those elements are in the original and if the director of the flick says this wasn't intended as a remake, then that's good enough for me.

This is pretty much the expression he wears all movie

This movie is about a cop (Nicholas Cage in a rare good performance) with a bad back who takes a lot of drugs to deal with the pain - or at least that's his easy excuse for being consistently fucked up on coke, painkillers, crack etc. The great thing about this movie is that he remains the same character from beginning to end, fucking things up, making them right and putting the bad guys away. There were two ways I interpreted the ending; first it could be a drug induced dream and secondly it was the real deal. As shown, instead of being caught out and learning from his mistakes, he solves all his problems through the judicious use of drugs and know-how and in the end he's cruising along in his usual drug induced haze.

You can consider the ending real or a crack pipe dream, it's never clearly stated and the viewer is left to their own discretion. I liked it, it wasn't your usual bullshit happy ending.All things considered I believe the ending was real, if a bit jokey. Cage's character went on to feign sobriety in front of his ex-junkie ex-hooker wife as well as his recovered alcoholic dad and step-mum. These were the only people who knew or had an inkling of his secret life before they reformed, and he simply added them to the list of people he lies too. There's a glimmer of redemption in the final scene but that's how it stays. Just a possibility, then the credits roll.As a whole movie I think this worked. Ignore the naysayers clinging to their original cult classic (which I've never seen), this is a similar movie with a different story and worthy of viewing in its own right. Some of the cinematography was odd but I forgive that for the way the rest of the story was so well told, shot and wrapped up.

Snorting coke off your hand in a dimly lit toilet never played out so good - 7/10

ps. Still no nudie pics, none of the women in this movie appear to have removed more than an overcoat in their movie career. Sorry.

Zatoichi (2003)

Look at my stick, it's a big ol stick. STAB!

Zatoichi, is a remake of the popular and long running series set in the Edo period of Japan's history about a blind Japanese swordsman. The movies began in the 60s and a TV series of over 100 episodes was also produced in the 70s. All up there are around 26 movies plus a few knock-offs like the American made Blind Fury. This particular incarnation is the first Zatoichi made since 1989 and features a far bigger budget than any of the previous movies. The director is also the main character and one of the editors, so that was one way to cut costs. But enough of the history, was it any good? Well, unlike many Japanese/Korean/Chinese martial arts films, the answer for me is a pretty confident yes.

The film begins with a couple of murders then introduces the main character - Zatoichi - followed by the bad guys made up of two rival gangs, then a few good guys to round out the cast. Among the good guys are a middle-aged peasant woman, her mostly useless nephew, a Geisha woman, her brother (disguised as a Geisha) and a motley collection of others featuring the crazy next door neighbor who runs around in his underwear carrying out his version of samurai training. The movie bounces between several main locations; a bar, the peasant womans house, a gambling den, the streets of the town, various flashbacks - and it all feels genuine. That coming from a man who has never been to Edo period Japan, but as far as movie sets go they were convincing.

The story revolves around the Geisha woman, her brother and their quest for vengeance. A gang called the rotting ropes murdered their parents in a paper-home invasion several years back, and ever since they've travelled the land disguised as Geisha entertainers, tracking down gang members and killing them. The siblings arrive in town and meet Zatoichi and the nephew. As the story progresses they discover one of the warring gangs in town is the rotting ropes, and so hatch a plot of murder and dismemberment. Zatoichi goes on to kill a lot of people including all the men in the gambling den when he catches them cheating, and it's wrapped up at the end with a nice long dance number. Yes, a dance number.

For all its funny little idiosyncracies (synchronised field ploughing music, overwrought spurts of blood?), Zatoichi is a serious film about a hardcore dude who kills every motherfucker in the room while at the same time being completely blind. What I really appreciated about the fighting was its brevity. A fighter won or lost in the first 5 seconds, none of this back and forth rubbish, because that's pretty much how real sword fighting worked.

I found the music understated but well matched to each scene and character. The acting was excellent, as I almost always find in Japanese cinema (except Guitar Wolf, but that's a different kind of movie altogether). If I had to complain about anything it would be a few little plot holes and perhaps the length - it was just a touch too long. If anyone can explain why the brother and sister initially tried to kill Zatoichi and the nephew, it would fill in a big plot hole for me.

8.5/10 - Good fun cinema from the far east (or near north for me in Australia). Lot's of swords, plenty of killing, a little philosophy. Oh and no wire fighting. Recommended.